I thought I would share my story. Please remember, I was undiagnosed autistic & ADHD, though was diagnosed with post-natal depression (PND) when my first was three months old, and again with the second when he was only a few weeks old.

I had grown up around breastfeeding women. My mum was a member of Nursing Mother’s, now the Australian Breastfeeding Association. My Aunt worked for them. There was no doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed my kids.

I was pretty lucky with both of my babies. They seemed to come out looking for a feed and we didn’t have issues with milk supply, latching, or anything like that. I had a couple of bouts of mastitis, but nothing major. I can only remember one time it was particularly painful, and that was easily fixed.

I was more frustrated when breastfeeding counsellors and the health nurse would talk about sensations of letdown. This is where the hind milk came down, the milk with all the good stuff in it. I never felt that and thought I was doing something wrong, though the kids seemed well fed and were growing like weeds.

When I was admitted to hospital for PND after my second was born, I fought to keep feeding as they wanted to put me on medication that meant I would have to stop. Honestly, if I had to stop before he was a month old, that would have had a major impact on my mental health as, at that time, I felt like the fact I could feed my child was the only thing that was working right then. Not to mention having to worry about formula and bottles when I was barely keeping on top of the most basic of housework (I didn’t know about executive dysfunction then).

I didn’t particularly love breastfeeding. I never had the blissful feeling described in the magazines and parenting books, but it was something that was fairly easy and I knew I had fed my child. I could also feed wherever, though both me and my babies hated wraps or anything to cover them when they fed. I was even on a TV current affairs program with my first when he was around 10 months to show that most people didn’t really care about feeding in public (that’s another story).

Breastfeeding was fine for me, it was something that I knew was part of being a parent…

Then I got pregnant with my second while still feeding my first.

Breastfeeding and pregnancy was not fun at all for me, however my child still wanted to feed. I had many phone calls with the breastfeeding counsellor on strategies to help him wean, at the same time investigating tandem feeding in case he refused to stop. Thankfully, he did wean, thanks to things like watching The Simpsons while feeding as he wanted to watch at the same time (he was 18 months old & liked the colours & noise).

The biggest issue I had with breastfeeding was a sensory overwhelm of being touched all the time. I didn’t know anything about sensory overload at the time, and I believe the feelings of being ‘touched out’ had a major impact on my mental health as well as my marriage. Honestly, by the end of the day, I had had enough of being touch, especially when I had a toddler and a baby. Breastfeeding was an easy way to feed my child, however it meant I was constantly being touched. Then, when my husband came home and wanted a hug, or more, I was ‘touched out’ and he took it as a personal rejection, even when I tried to explain it wasn’t personal, I simply didn’t want anyone touching me.

From talking to others in groups about their experiences of breastfeeding, the fact that was easy for me was a blessing. My babies latched on without difficulty and I had a good supply, however the sensory issues were a thing I didn’t realise at the time.

I am also grateful I was able to breastfeed as the idea of managing formula and bottles (quite apart from the cost) was stressful!

If you would like to, share your experiences of being an undiagnosed autistic and/or ADHD mother and breastfeeding.

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I was also an undiagnosed autistic and ADHD parent. When that boy was 20 years old, I received my diagnosis, and his younger brother was 18.

I navigated 20 years of parenting not knowing I was AuDHD, and it was tough.

This is something that not many people talk about.

There is a lot about parenting autistic and ADHD children and how to provide for them, but not a lot around what it’s like being an autistic and/or ADHD parent, and if there is information, it’s assuming that you are diagnosed already.

Since my diagnosis, I have been looking back over my life, especially the years of parenting and the impact it had on me, how it shaped my outlook on life and parenting. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Some things are downright painful, especially when I think how hard I tried to parent in a neurotypical way, following all the ‘rules’ that were set out by various experts – health nurses, school teachers, magazines, books, and so much more.

Some are complete joy, such as discovering things like lizards, pirates, dinosaurs, Rubiks cube, and so much more as my kids were going through their various special interests.

Some things are confusing, even now.

For a while, I have complained that no one is speaking about this, then it hit me… I’m not speaking about it either!

I figured that I have this blog, this place on the Internet where I can share things, so why not start here.

My dream, eventually, is to write a memoir about it all, until then, this is my story. I will refer to others in my life, often by an initial only, but, as much as it’s my story, they are part of it.

Please, join with me, ask any questions, and you’re welcome to share your own stories in the comments too.

I should also mention, the information won’t be in any particular order, things will be posted as I think of them or a memory pops up.

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Over the last few years, I’ve realised how much of that is because I’m autistic and ADHD.

The complexity of the noise, the unfamiliar food, change of routine, being in a house that is not my own, having to have my mask firmly in place to be social and look like I’m having fun, it’s all exhausting.

A couple of days ago, I saw a post on social media talking about how all those traditions are important to someone, and it got me thinking.

I don’t enjoy Christmas day, one of the best was a few years ago when my kid and I spent the day building Lego instead of joining the extended family. However, all those traditions are important to my parents, especially to my mum. She loves having the family there and feeding all of us, and having us there for presents.

It’s also one of the few times I see my brother and his girlfriend as they live on the other side of the state to me.

Because the day is important to someone else, I make the effort to go down to be with the family.

I did a few things to accommodate myself.

I don’t drink, so I brought some alcohol-free wine to drink. I only ate what I wanted from the buffet. When I felt fatigue overcome me, a sure sign of a meltdown, I quietly went to a bedroom to lie down. I had a book with me and had some time reading to recharge. I also went home again in the evening rather than staying there for a few days.

I have also spent today, Boxing Day, hibernating and not talking to anyone much.

This is what I have needed to get through Christmas Day, when my ideal would be having a quiet day at home.

It is important to accommodate the needs of others, especially those I love.

For one day, I will allow myself to be uncomfortable and overwhelmed in order to make others comfortable.

It’s one day in the year.

For the next couple of days, I will be resting, hibernating, and recharging.

I also know that my family enjoyed the day and appreciated having me there, and that is important too.

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When I arrived, I stood at the door for around 15 minutes. No one came up to speak to me and I didn’t know what was going on. I had a mini meltdown and spent time beating myself up about being overwhelmed, especially as I used to attend networking events all the time, and ran a business network myself! Until a lady came up to see if I was OK. She got me a glass of water and some tissues and chatted until I calmed down. She also walked in with me and helped me meet some people, making the whole thing less scary.

Overall, I am glad I was able to stay, it got me thinking of some tips for organisers of networking events to make their events more inclusive and easier for neurodivergent business owners. Note that these are based on my experiences and not all will apply to everyone.

1. Have someone on the door greeting people – This is something I made sure was at all the events I ran and the best ones I attended also had someone at the door. This was a person who had a job to tick of names, welcome people, hand out goodie bags or information if they were there, as well as letting people know what was happening and where to go.
2. Name tags – this may sound a bit old fashioned or too much like school, however name tags can be really helpful, especially in places that are loud and you may not immediately remember someone’s name or find the place is overwhelming so you forget. Having a simple name tag with the person’s name and business can also help get an idea of who to talk to for those of us who are told to look for a particular person or industry.
3. Drink options – if there is alcohol, have nice non-alcoholic options available and on display in the same way alcoholic are. Not everyone drinks wine for a variety of reasons and a business networking event is not usually a place to get drunk. It can be awkward asking where other drink options are, especially if staff are not obvious.
4. Labels for food – if you are serving food, include labels for what is on offer, including any allergens. Again, it can be awkward asking about allergens, especially if staff are not obvious.
5. Staff working the event – if there are staff working at the event, make it obvious. Whether it’s a simple thing like a name tag, a lanyard or a uniform. This can help attendees find someone if they have any questions about things like food and drink, what is happening on the night, or even directions to the bathroom.
6. Introduce people – keep an eye out for people on the fringes, those who are standing there and not talking to anyone. Go up to them and introduce yourself and bring them in to conversations. If the lady hadn’t stopped to ask how I was, I would have gone home! I’m not great at making the first move, especially in a room of people already talking who seem to know each other.
7. Agenda – having someone keep an eye on timing and letting people know when the formal part of the event is over (so they have permission to leave if needed) is helpful. The agenda doesn’t need to be public, having someone keeping an eye on time and what is happening, and making announcements, can help participants know what is going on.

This is by no means a complete list, however I hope that they may help others when planning networking events to help them be more inclusive. These are things that would have been really helpful for me at the event I went to on Friday night, and these are things that were at events I attended in the past.

Are there things you would add to this list?

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I have been mulling a lot about my faith and what it looks like through an AuDHD lens (along with most of my life pre-diagnosis). I have been reading some articles online and quite unimpressed by what I’ve read so far. Many are based on stereotypes and don’t reflect my experience at all, after all, I’ve always been AuDHD, even if I didn’t know it at the time…

I have realised I’m in a privileged position growing up. My family didn’t align strictly to any denomination, and I was brought up to read the Bible and question the teaching from ministers. My dad and other members of the family actively encouraged discussion and exploration around faith issues, so I wasn’t brought up blindly following any particular teaching.

When I was a kid, my parents pretty much took over the family service at church and put in a lot of work. There was a focus on simply telling the stories rather than adding a message or reading more into the stories than was on the page… there wasn’t much moralising in the teaching I was brought up with.

My faith is fairly simple, it’s also based on teaching and exploration.

Right now, I don’t belong to a particular church, for a variety of reasons, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a faith.

I really want to explore aspects of my faith, and I haven’t found anywhere to do that… yet anyway. Until I find somewhere, I’m going to share reflections here from time to time, as with anything else I post here.

If there’s anything you’re particularly interested in hearing about, feel free to offer some suggestions.

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Back in 2002, I started a business. It was the first mums in business network in Australia. I started it because I couldn’t find support to start a business so I could be home with my then 6-month-old baby. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to work from home so I could earn money and be home with my kid.

In the 9 or so years I ran this business, I was also a consultant for a scrapbooking company, teaching people how to make scrapbooks, I did market stalls selling goods made by people in the network (I said it was part of business…), I also made jewellery and played around with selling it online. In essence, I couldn’t decide on just one thing to do!

I would think that I’m doing these things to help make more money to pay the bills… that everything was helping the family to stay afloat. Yes, I was in survival mode even then.

The fact that I couldn’t stick to just one thing should have been an indicator that I was ADHD…

I worked really hard to grow my business, to follow all the ‘advice’ out there and follow their lead. It didn’t work. I ended up burned out and by the time I was told I had to ‘get a job’ because I was a single mum, I was kind of glad to close the business and get a job.

Even when I got a job, that is when I got back to creative writing… but that’s another post.

This business reflection is another thing I look back on and ask why it took so long to realise I’m AuDHD.

Oh, and I still can’t settle on just one business idea!

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My parents made a big deal to everyone about how we were going away, I think it was for a week. One evening, we were all packed into the car and drove around. I think we stopped at McDonald’s for dinner, which was a huge treat. Us kids kept asking where our luggage was, if we were going on holiday. Mum and dad made excuses before we drove around and pulled back into our driveway.

It was explained that we were on holiday and everyone thought we were away. This meant that we didn’t have to see people or do the things we would normally do, although we were able to play with the neighbour’s kids as we would play with local kids if were away.

The week was pretty quiet. We hung around at home, read books, went on a few outings. There weren’t the phone calls or visitors that we would normally have.

Looking back, I wonder if mum and dad felt bad we weren’t going away somewhere fancy, and if money was tight so taking a family of 6 away was more than they could afford at the time. But this holiday lives in my memory as one that was relaxing and peaceful.

Knowing what I know now about autism and ADHD, I wonder if the fact I was still sleeping in my own bed, in my own room, was a big part of why I enjoyed it. I was in familiar surroundings, and the peace of not having people around all the time made it peaceful… I could read my book without feeling like I had to be somewhere.

I don’t remember much about what we actually did during that week, but I do remember that it was a great holiday.

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When I was a teenager, there was a youth group activity where people took it in turns to be blindfolded, then were guided to do a series of activities. The idea of this freaked me out and I sat out. I was teased by others in youth group, though the leaders respected my preference and didn’t force me to do the activity. I don’t know what all the things were as I didn’t do it… it was also one of those moments when I felt like I should be able to take part and enjoy the evening, but I really didn’t.

There was a work ‘trust’ exercise at one point where people had to be blindfolded, and once again, I felt a complete sense of panic and refused to participate. This time, however, I was told by the trainers I was ‘letting the team down’ and I obviously didn’t trust my workmates. Honestly, trusting them wasn’t the issue.

Even games like pin the tail on the donkey left me feeling anxious.

I used to think my dislike of being blindfolded was to do with a feeling of being out of control. I hated the feeling of not knowing where my body was.

Recently, I learned about proprioception.

I wonder how much of the fact I hate being blindfolded comes down to poor proprioception. How much is that I don’t know where my body is in relation to the world around me that if I can’t see that world, the feeling totally freaks me out and I get all discombobulated. I already struggle to work out where my body is in relation to the world, one reason I keep bumping myself on things, however, take away being able to see things and it makes life even harder.

All my life, I have been given a hard time for not wanting to be blindfolded. Now I know I’m AuDHD, and learning about my brain, I am learning that I’m not all that weird. It also appears that not participating in activities where I am blindfolded was one time I set boundaries and stood up for my needs, even though I didn’t understand why I felt that way.

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Get a cleaner!

For me, having a cleaner is a game changer. We have someone how comes once a fortnight for an hour. She cleans the bathrooms and vacuums and mops the floors. If I had the funds, I would get her to do more.

As well as having these tasks taken care of, so I don’t have to do them myself, it’s also a great incentive to keep the house tidy, as the tidier the house, the more she can clean.

I used to feel weird for having a cleaner, as I had been given the feeling it was a ‘rich person’ thing and that I should be able to manage it all on my own. However, with working, caring, and trying to keep myself together, I have realised that having a cleaner is not a nice to have, it’s a necessity.

One of my biggest issues, is adding too much to my to do list and this doesn’t help my sense of overwhelm and my executive functioning. Anything I can take off that list and outsource it is a good thing, especially tasks I struggle with, like the housework.

So, for all of you who are autistic, ADHD, or both, and you struggle with housework, this is me giving you permission to invest in a cleaner. Your mental health will thank you. I know mine has.

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I like the theory, but practice is something else entirely.

Over the years, especially since my kids were small, I have tried many different methods of meal planning. From sitting with my mum each week to do a plan, to having Hello Fresh boxes delivered (this worked well until my kid was diagnosed coeliac), to having a whiteboard where I could write down meals, to… whatever else I’ve tried over the years.

I’ve realised that this is part of executive dysfunction as well as time blindness, and not knowing what I will feel like eating or have the energy to cook on any given day.

For me, meal planning ended up being more stressful, and costing more money, especially if I ended up throwing out fresh ingredients that I didn’t end up using…

Instead, I have a few set meals on high rotation and I have the standard ingredients in the fridge and freezer.

At the moment, this includes:

• Pasta sauce – ingredients are mince, tinned tomato, frozen veggies (or any leftover veggies in the fridge), and seasonings, gluten free pasta
• Pizza – pizza bases, pizza sauce, shredded ham, pineapple, mushrooms, capsicum, olives, cheese, anchovies (my kid loves these)
• Sausages & veggies – kid like sausages, I have chops or something else, kid has chips, I have potato gratin, and veggies (I keep a variety of frozen ones on hand, or get prepared ones I can cook in the microwave)
• Mushroom risotto – made in the thermomix with mushrooms, arborio rice, onion, garlic (I keep crushed garlic in the fridge) and a few other ingredients
• Chicken in mustard sauce – chicken, frozen veggies, jar of simmer sauce, rice

There are a few others, like tacos, but these are our main ones right now. Most of the ingredients I keep on hand so I can decide on the night what I feel like cooking. With things like pasta sauce, I make it up and then freeze the rest so I can thaw it out on the nights when I’m tired and don’t have the energy to cook from scratch.

I have found with these staples that most ingredients I can keep in the pantry or freezer, and buy the fresh ingredients when I feel like it. For example, with pizza, I keep things like the olives and pineapple on hand, and buy the mushrooms and capsicum when I’m ready to make pizza.

It does mean I end up at the supermarket more often, however I find that this is less overwhelming for me as I’m doing smaller shops and don’t have to remember a longer list, whether or not I have remembered to write one out!

It also means that I’m being kind to my brain. I don’t have to think more than a couple of days ahead when I’m shopping, and this is less stressful for me.

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