When I arrived, I stood at the door for around 15 minutes. No one came up to speak to me and I didn’t know what was going on. I had a mini meltdown and spent time beating myself up about being overwhelmed, especially as I used to attend networking events all the time, and ran a business network myself! Until a lady came up to see if I was OK. She got me a glass of water and some tissues and chatted until I calmed down. She also walked in with me and helped me meet some people, making the whole thing less scary.

Overall, I am glad I was able to stay, it got me thinking of some tips for organisers of networking events to make their events more inclusive and easier for neurodivergent business owners. Note that these are based on my experiences and not all will apply to everyone.

1. Have someone on the door greeting people – This is something I made sure was at all the events I ran and the best ones I attended also had someone at the door. This was a person who had a job to tick of names, welcome people, hand out goodie bags or information if they were there, as well as letting people know what was happening and where to go.
2. Name tags – this may sound a bit old fashioned or too much like school, however name tags can be really helpful, especially in places that are loud and you may not immediately remember someone’s name or find the place is overwhelming so you forget. Having a simple name tag with the person’s name and business can also help get an idea of who to talk to for those of us who are told to look for a particular person or industry.
3. Drink options – if there is alcohol, have nice non-alcoholic options available and on display in the same way alcoholic are. Not everyone drinks wine for a variety of reasons and a business networking event is not usually a place to get drunk. It can be awkward asking where other drink options are, especially if staff are not obvious.
4. Labels for food – if you are serving food, include labels for what is on offer, including any allergens. Again, it can be awkward asking about allergens, especially if staff are not obvious.
5. Staff working the event – if there are staff working at the event, make it obvious. Whether it’s a simple thing like a name tag, a lanyard or a uniform. This can help attendees find someone if they have any questions about things like food and drink, what is happening on the night, or even directions to the bathroom.
6. Introduce people – keep an eye out for people on the fringes, those who are standing there and not talking to anyone. Go up to them and introduce yourself and bring them in to conversations. If the lady hadn’t stopped to ask how I was, I would have gone home! I’m not great at making the first move, especially in a room of people already talking who seem to know each other.
7. Agenda – having someone keep an eye on timing and letting people know when the formal part of the event is over (so they have permission to leave if needed) is helpful. The agenda doesn’t need to be public, having someone keeping an eye on time and what is happening, and making announcements, can help participants know what is going on.

This is by no means a complete list, however I hope that they may help others when planning networking events to help them be more inclusive. These are things that would have been really helpful for me at the event I went to on Friday night, and these are things that were at events I attended in the past.

Are there things you would add to this list?

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I have been mulling a lot about my faith and what it looks like through an AuDHD lens (along with most of my life pre-diagnosis). I have been reading some articles online and quite unimpressed by what I’ve read so far. Many are based on stereotypes and don’t reflect my experience at all, after all, I’ve always been AuDHD, even if I didn’t know it at the time…

I have realised I’m in a privileged position growing up. My family didn’t align strictly to any denomination, and I was brought up to read the Bible and question the teaching from ministers. My dad and other members of the family actively encouraged discussion and exploration around faith issues, so I wasn’t brought up blindly following any particular teaching.

When I was a kid, my parents pretty much took over the family service at church and put in a lot of work. There was a focus on simply telling the stories rather than adding a message or reading more into the stories than was on the page… there wasn’t much moralising in the teaching I was brought up with.

My faith is fairly simple, it’s also based on teaching and exploration.

Right now, I don’t belong to a particular church, for a variety of reasons, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a faith.

I really want to explore aspects of my faith, and I haven’t found anywhere to do that… yet anyway. Until I find somewhere, I’m going to share reflections here from time to time, as with anything else I post here.

If there’s anything you’re particularly interested in hearing about, feel free to offer some suggestions.

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Back in 2002, I started a business. It was the first mums in business network in Australia. I started it because I couldn’t find support to start a business so I could be home with my then 6-month-old baby. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to work from home so I could earn money and be home with my kid.

In the 9 or so years I ran this business, I was also a consultant for a scrapbooking company, teaching people how to make scrapbooks, I did market stalls selling goods made by people in the network (I said it was part of business…), I also made jewellery and played around with selling it online. In essence, I couldn’t decide on just one thing to do!

I would think that I’m doing these things to help make more money to pay the bills… that everything was helping the family to stay afloat. Yes, I was in survival mode even then.

The fact that I couldn’t stick to just one thing should have been an indicator that I was ADHD…

I worked really hard to grow my business, to follow all the ‘advice’ out there and follow their lead. It didn’t work. I ended up burned out and by the time I was told I had to ‘get a job’ because I was a single mum, I was kind of glad to close the business and get a job.

Even when I got a job, that is when I got back to creative writing… but that’s another post.

This business reflection is another thing I look back on and ask why it took so long to realise I’m AuDHD.

Oh, and I still can’t settle on just one business idea!

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My parents made a big deal to everyone about how we were going away, I think it was for a week. One evening, we were all packed into the car and drove around. I think we stopped at McDonald’s for dinner, which was a huge treat. Us kids kept asking where our luggage was, if we were going on holiday. Mum and dad made excuses before we drove around and pulled back into our driveway.

It was explained that we were on holiday and everyone thought we were away. This meant that we didn’t have to see people or do the things we would normally do, although we were able to play with the neighbour’s kids as we would play with local kids if were away.

The week was pretty quiet. We hung around at home, read books, went on a few outings. There weren’t the phone calls or visitors that we would normally have.

Looking back, I wonder if mum and dad felt bad we weren’t going away somewhere fancy, and if money was tight so taking a family of 6 away was more than they could afford at the time. But this holiday lives in my memory as one that was relaxing and peaceful.

Knowing what I know now about autism and ADHD, I wonder if the fact I was still sleeping in my own bed, in my own room, was a big part of why I enjoyed it. I was in familiar surroundings, and the peace of not having people around all the time made it peaceful… I could read my book without feeling like I had to be somewhere.

I don’t remember much about what we actually did during that week, but I do remember that it was a great holiday.

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When I was a teenager, there was a youth group activity where people took it in turns to be blindfolded, then were guided to do a series of activities. The idea of this freaked me out and I sat out. I was teased by others in youth group, though the leaders respected my preference and didn’t force me to do the activity. I don’t know what all the things were as I didn’t do it… it was also one of those moments when I felt like I should be able to take part and enjoy the evening, but I really didn’t.

There was a work ‘trust’ exercise at one point where people had to be blindfolded, and once again, I felt a complete sense of panic and refused to participate. This time, however, I was told by the trainers I was ‘letting the team down’ and I obviously didn’t trust my workmates. Honestly, trusting them wasn’t the issue.

Even games like pin the tail on the donkey left me feeling anxious.

I used to think my dislike of being blindfolded was to do with a feeling of being out of control. I hated the feeling of not knowing where my body was.

Recently, I learned about proprioception.

I wonder how much of the fact I hate being blindfolded comes down to poor proprioception. How much is that I don’t know where my body is in relation to the world around me that if I can’t see that world, the feeling totally freaks me out and I get all discombobulated. I already struggle to work out where my body is in relation to the world, one reason I keep bumping myself on things, however, take away being able to see things and it makes life even harder.

All my life, I have been given a hard time for not wanting to be blindfolded. Now I know I’m AuDHD, and learning about my brain, I am learning that I’m not all that weird. It also appears that not participating in activities where I am blindfolded was one time I set boundaries and stood up for my needs, even though I didn’t understand why I felt that way.

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Get a cleaner!

For me, having a cleaner is a game changer. We have someone how comes once a fortnight for an hour. She cleans the bathrooms and vacuums and mops the floors. If I had the funds, I would get her to do more.

As well as having these tasks taken care of, so I don’t have to do them myself, it’s also a great incentive to keep the house tidy, as the tidier the house, the more she can clean.

I used to feel weird for having a cleaner, as I had been given the feeling it was a ‘rich person’ thing and that I should be able to manage it all on my own. However, with working, caring, and trying to keep myself together, I have realised that having a cleaner is not a nice to have, it’s a necessity.

One of my biggest issues, is adding too much to my to do list and this doesn’t help my sense of overwhelm and my executive functioning. Anything I can take off that list and outsource it is a good thing, especially tasks I struggle with, like the housework.

So, for all of you who are autistic, ADHD, or both, and you struggle with housework, this is me giving you permission to invest in a cleaner. Your mental health will thank you. I know mine has.

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I like the theory, but practice is something else entirely.

Over the years, especially since my kids were small, I have tried many different methods of meal planning. From sitting with my mum each week to do a plan, to having Hello Fresh boxes delivered (this worked well until my kid was diagnosed coeliac), to having a whiteboard where I could write down meals, to… whatever else I’ve tried over the years.

I’ve realised that this is part of executive dysfunction as well as time blindness, and not knowing what I will feel like eating or have the energy to cook on any given day.

For me, meal planning ended up being more stressful, and costing more money, especially if I ended up throwing out fresh ingredients that I didn’t end up using…

Instead, I have a few set meals on high rotation and I have the standard ingredients in the fridge and freezer.

At the moment, this includes:

• Pasta sauce – ingredients are mince, tinned tomato, frozen veggies (or any leftover veggies in the fridge), and seasonings, gluten free pasta
• Pizza – pizza bases, pizza sauce, shredded ham, pineapple, mushrooms, capsicum, olives, cheese, anchovies (my kid loves these)
• Sausages & veggies – kid like sausages, I have chops or something else, kid has chips, I have potato gratin, and veggies (I keep a variety of frozen ones on hand, or get prepared ones I can cook in the microwave)
• Mushroom risotto – made in the thermomix with mushrooms, arborio rice, onion, garlic (I keep crushed garlic in the fridge) and a few other ingredients
• Chicken in mustard sauce – chicken, frozen veggies, jar of simmer sauce, rice

There are a few others, like tacos, but these are our main ones right now. Most of the ingredients I keep on hand so I can decide on the night what I feel like cooking. With things like pasta sauce, I make it up and then freeze the rest so I can thaw it out on the nights when I’m tired and don’t have the energy to cook from scratch.

I have found with these staples that most ingredients I can keep in the pantry or freezer, and buy the fresh ingredients when I feel like it. For example, with pizza, I keep things like the olives and pineapple on hand, and buy the mushrooms and capsicum when I’m ready to make pizza.

It does mean I end up at the supermarket more often, however I find that this is less overwhelming for me as I’m doing smaller shops and don’t have to remember a longer list, whether or not I have remembered to write one out!

It also means that I’m being kind to my brain. I don’t have to think more than a couple of days ahead when I’m shopping, and this is less stressful for me.

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Fluctuating energy levels isn’t something that many people talk about. I am pretty sure this is part of my AuDHD make up. My energy can be impacted by external factors, such as how much I need to mask and my social battery, and internal factors such as hormones. Things such as barometric changes can impact things too.

One thing I want to do is learn how to work with my energy levels. This could include things such as having space in the day to take a nap, as well as planning my work tasks to fit around my energy, such as not scheduling too much in a day, and not limiting myself to working in traditional hours, at the same time not overdoing things.

Working to my energy levels is going to be a challenge as I have some tasks that dictate working during regular office hours… part of what I want to be doing is less of those tasks and more of the ones that are more flexible.

This is also a huge mindset shift as I’ve been told to work during ‘business hours’… even from business coaches the message is the same… work to hours. The idea of working to energy levels seems to be something that they either haven’t heard about or it is a concept that they think isn’t worth thinking about.

I have decided that, where possible, I will work to my energy levels. If I have the energy to work on the weekend or evening, I’m going to run with it. If I need a nap on a weekday, then I’ll do it.

This is all part of learning to work with my brain instead of against it… wish me luck.

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When it comes to AuDHD masking, it’s a different beast. When I talk about masking in this context, it’s something that a lot of us do in order to fit in, and this can look different to different people.

Since I was diagnosed last year, I’ve been working hard to understand my brain, and this includes unmasking.

In some groups I’m in, people show photos of them masked and unmasked. In these pictures, the unmasked image often shows brightly coloured hair, tattoos, piercings, and bright clothes. These things scream sensory overload to me and made me think that I couldn’t possibly unmask.

The more I understand my brain, the more I realise that unmasking isn’t necessarily about making changes to my appearance, though I have been wearing more clothes that I find more comfortable. It’s deeper than that.

It’s about acknowledging difficulties I have with the housework and getting assistance.

It’s about realising that the physical pain in my body isn’t ‘normal’ and to see the doctor to get treatment.

It’s about acknowledging that many things I have dealt with in my life were not my fault.

It’s seeing that I am not responsible for the thoughts, feelings, and actions of those around me.

It’s about seeing that I am amazing just the way I am and I don’t have to change my whole personality to fit in, I will find my people.

It’s about spending more time curled up with a book as that is what I need to regulate.

It’s about much more than changing what is on the outside.

It’s also about unmasking parts of me that others will never see. It’s those parts of me that I have had masked even to myself.

And this is a process.

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