I have been mulling a lot about my faith and what it looks like through an AuDHD lens (along with most of my life pre-diagnosis). I have been reading some articles online and quite unimpressed by what I’ve read so far. Many are based on stereotypes and don’t reflect my experience at all, after all, I’ve always been AuDHD, even if I didn’t know it at the time…

I have realised I’m in a privileged position growing up. My family didn’t align strictly to any denomination, and I was brought up to read the Bible and question the teaching from ministers. My dad and other members of the family actively encouraged discussion and exploration around faith issues, so I wasn’t brought up blindly following any particular teaching.

When I was a kid, my parents pretty much took over the family service at church and put in a lot of work. There was a focus on simply telling the stories rather than adding a message or reading more into the stories than was on the page… there wasn’t much moralising in the teaching I was brought up with.

My faith is fairly simple, it’s also based on teaching and exploration.

Right now, I don’t belong to a particular church, for a variety of reasons, that doesn’t mean I don’t still have a faith.

I really want to explore aspects of my faith, and I haven’t found anywhere to do that… yet anyway. Until I find somewhere, I’m going to share reflections here from time to time, as with anything else I post here.

If there’s anything you’re particularly interested in hearing about, feel free to offer some suggestions.

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Back in 2002, I started a business. It was the first mums in business network in Australia. I started it because I couldn’t find support to start a business so I could be home with my then 6-month-old baby. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to work from home so I could earn money and be home with my kid.

In the 9 or so years I ran this business, I was also a consultant for a scrapbooking company, teaching people how to make scrapbooks, I did market stalls selling goods made by people in the network (I said it was part of business…), I also made jewellery and played around with selling it online. In essence, I couldn’t decide on just one thing to do!

I would think that I’m doing these things to help make more money to pay the bills… that everything was helping the family to stay afloat. Yes, I was in survival mode even then.

The fact that I couldn’t stick to just one thing should have been an indicator that I was ADHD…

I worked really hard to grow my business, to follow all the ‘advice’ out there and follow their lead. It didn’t work. I ended up burned out and by the time I was told I had to ‘get a job’ because I was a single mum, I was kind of glad to close the business and get a job.

Even when I got a job, that is when I got back to creative writing… but that’s another post.

This business reflection is another thing I look back on and ask why it took so long to realise I’m AuDHD.

Oh, and I still can’t settle on just one business idea!

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My parents made a big deal to everyone about how we were going away, I think it was for a week. One evening, we were all packed into the car and drove around. I think we stopped at McDonald’s for dinner, which was a huge treat. Us kids kept asking where our luggage was, if we were going on holiday. Mum and dad made excuses before we drove around and pulled back into our driveway.

It was explained that we were on holiday and everyone thought we were away. This meant that we didn’t have to see people or do the things we would normally do, although we were able to play with the neighbour’s kids as we would play with local kids if were away.

The week was pretty quiet. We hung around at home, read books, went on a few outings. There weren’t the phone calls or visitors that we would normally have.

Looking back, I wonder if mum and dad felt bad we weren’t going away somewhere fancy, and if money was tight so taking a family of 6 away was more than they could afford at the time. But this holiday lives in my memory as one that was relaxing and peaceful.

Knowing what I know now about autism and ADHD, I wonder if the fact I was still sleeping in my own bed, in my own room, was a big part of why I enjoyed it. I was in familiar surroundings, and the peace of not having people around all the time made it peaceful… I could read my book without feeling like I had to be somewhere.

I don’t remember much about what we actually did during that week, but I do remember that it was a great holiday.

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I grew up Christian. My parents were missionaries. I’ve been a member of churches of various denominations my whole life, apart from the last few year.

Here’s my take on being AuDHD and a Christian. It’s simple.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

God made me, just as he made everyone else. One message I got growing up is that God has a plan, even if we don’t understand it, and we are all wonderfully made.

I was also brought up to question the Bible and interpretations of it. To look at the Bible critically and look at things like the context it was written and who it was speaking to.

So many of the articles above come across as judgemental and not helpful (other than the fact that there is no date and the use of ADD is out dated). They look at the usual things that we already beat ourselves up about, instead of looking at the fact that God made us and made us special and perfect just the way we are.

I know that I struggle to believe this myself at times, decades of messages telling me that I’ve fallen short is hard to shake, but it still comes down to the fact that my brain is wired to to be AuDHD, and it has been since before I was born, and that is simply part of who I am, who I was made to be.

There are so many verses about how we are wonderfully made, how God made us who we are while we were in our mothers’ womb, about how we are created in the image of God. Those are the verses I hold on to.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. While I was still in the womb, God knew me and made me precious. AuDHD and all.

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When I was a teenager, there was a youth group activity where people took it in turns to be blindfolded, then were guided to do a series of activities. The idea of this freaked me out and I sat out. I was teased by others in youth group, though the leaders respected my preference and didn’t force me to do the activity. I don’t know what all the things were as I didn’t do it… it was also one of those moments when I felt like I should be able to take part and enjoy the evening, but I really didn’t.

There was a work ‘trust’ exercise at one point where people had to be blindfolded, and once again, I felt a complete sense of panic and refused to participate. This time, however, I was told by the trainers I was ‘letting the team down’ and I obviously didn’t trust my workmates. Honestly, trusting them wasn’t the issue.

Even games like pin the tail on the donkey left me feeling anxious.

I used to think my dislike of being blindfolded was to do with a feeling of being out of control. I hated the feeling of not knowing where my body was.

Recently, I learned about proprioception.

I wonder how much of the fact I hate being blindfolded comes down to poor proprioception. How much is that I don’t know where my body is in relation to the world around me that if I can’t see that world, the feeling totally freaks me out and I get all discombobulated. I already struggle to work out where my body is in relation to the world, one reason I keep bumping myself on things, however, take away being able to see things and it makes life even harder.

All my life, I have been given a hard time for not wanting to be blindfolded. Now I know I’m AuDHD, and learning about my brain, I am learning that I’m not all that weird. It also appears that not participating in activities where I am blindfolded was one time I set boundaries and stood up for my needs, even though I didn’t understand why I felt that way.

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Imagine… now you have control over your beautiful , powerful mind…

This made me laugh, for a simple reason – I never have control over my mind. I never have!

My mind often feels like a runaway train going down a hill. It decides to go on a particular path, and just keeps going.

I can try to control it, make it do what I, or others, want it to do… but it never works.

Whenever I try to control it, I end up exhausted and burned out. I end up feeling like I’m no good and useless. Whatever I try to create ends up being, if I’m honest, not so great. This is where I put things off and find things don’t get done as my mind just says ‘nope, not doing that’.

Instead, whenever I catch hold of my mind and follow where it leads, amazing things happen.

Stories get written, kids get inspired to write, I discover amazing books and people, and I’m generally happier and healthier.

One of the things I wanted to do when I was diagnosed AuDHD was to learn how to work with my mind instead of trying to control it. I want to free my mind so that I can be authentically me, to create beautiful stories, to have a life that suits me.

My mind is beautiful and powerful, and doesn’t need to be controlled. In fact, it’s much better when I don’t control it. When I can follow that runaway train and let it take me on the most amazing, spectacular adventures.

So, instead of imagining that I’m in control of my mind, I’m going to set it free and see where it leads me.

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Get a cleaner!

For me, having a cleaner is a game changer. We have someone how comes once a fortnight for an hour. She cleans the bathrooms and vacuums and mops the floors. If I had the funds, I would get her to do more.

As well as having these tasks taken care of, so I don’t have to do them myself, it’s also a great incentive to keep the house tidy, as the tidier the house, the more she can clean.

I used to feel weird for having a cleaner, as I had been given the feeling it was a ‘rich person’ thing and that I should be able to manage it all on my own. However, with working, caring, and trying to keep myself together, I have realised that having a cleaner is not a nice to have, it’s a necessity.

One of my biggest issues, is adding too much to my to do list and this doesn’t help my sense of overwhelm and my executive functioning. Anything I can take off that list and outsource it is a good thing, especially tasks I struggle with, like the housework.

So, for all of you who are autistic, ADHD, or both, and you struggle with housework, this is me giving you permission to invest in a cleaner. Your mental health will thank you. I know mine has.

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I have realised that my phone is a pretty good representation of my energy levels.

When I do things, my energy levels go down a lot faster than they used to, and I need more down time.

This could be as simple as having a nap during the day, or a longer lunch break. There are times when I need days to recover from activity.

If I have something on in the evening, I need to be able to have a slow start the next day. That means not starting before 10am (early appointments are an absolute no on those days).

This is also something I need to consider in any pricing structure for what I do. I can’t have back-to-back meetings with clients, they need to be spaced out, this means I have to take this into account with what I charge. For example, I can’t have three one-hour clients between 9am and 12 noon. If I do this, I will burn out. Instead, I could have two with a break in between.

I used to think there was something wrong with me not being able to work constantly like others seem to be able to do. I now know this is simply how my body operates.

Part of me accepting my ‘new normal’ and working with my brain is realising that I need plenty of recharge time. I need that time watching mindless shows on TV and doomscrolling, or taking a long shower, or simply not being ‘productive’. This is not a ‘nice to have’ it is an absolute need.

I am still learning how to embrace it, bring it into the everyday, and make it work for me instead of doing everything to work against it.

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If you give me some software and let me play, I’ll play around and work out how to use it.

If you give me a text book, I’ll follow the information and learn what to do (one of the biggest issues I had with maths at school).

There are so many areas of my life where I pick up skills and just know how to do things. The biggest area this comes out is my writing. I seem to just know how to write a story.

The challenge I have with this is that formal learning doesn’t fit this method of learning.

If I try to quantify how I do something, especially to put it into a course or program to teach others, I can’t do it.

If I attend a course or class on something I know how to do, I end up feeling as though I am not good and can’t do whatever the thing is the course is teaching me!

One of the most frustrating things is that my skills often aren’t recognised because I don’t have a piece of paper to show that I know what I know. And I also can’t push through the courses to get that piece of paper as it is more harmful to my mental health and self-esteem than people seem to understand.

Another frustrating thing is that I often don’t acknowledge all the things that I know, or how valuable these skills are because I have picked them up somewhere or just seem to know how to do something, rather than being taught.

I also forget that not everyone has the skills that I have, that they don’t find things, like writing a story or doing bookkeeping, easy. I forget that these are skills that people will pay me for…

I love learning about stuff, picking up skills. It’s harder when I’m burned out, almost as though my brain is so full there’s no room for anything new, but that doesn’t stop me. When I’m burned out, those new skills need to be somehow relevant to me and my interests… even then, I love learning about things. It seems to be simply how I’m wired.

It’s also nice when I go to something and find out that whatever I’ve taught myself or picked up along the way is absolutely on the right track.

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I have read all the books, done programs, even did a program when I was teen. I do all the things that they tell me to do, to the point of completely changing who I am in order to make myself ‘someone people will want to spend time with’, and it doesn’t work very well.

This ends up in burn out. Or the relationship just seems to peter out. Or they confront me with something they don’t like about (I now know these are typical neurodivergent traits that don’t fit the ‘acceptable’ box).

I have a theory.

We are taught an neurotypical ideal of what friendship should be, especially female friendship. There are endless movies, TV shows, and novels about girls and women and their friends. We are given these from a young age, and they help us learn how to mask.

A neurodivergent friendship looks different. I’m still not sure how it looks different, I’m still working it out, but it does.

It could look like connecting only on our hyperfocus.

It could be us constantly talking over each other in a chaotic conversation that we both find incredibly satisfying.

It could be us having nothing to do with each other for months or years, then reconnecting as if no time has passed.

It could be something else entirely.

Friendships is something that seems to be expected of us and if we don’t have a best friend that we grew up with, then there is something wrong with us… and we feel awful and a loser and somehow less than.

I have found so many friendships are one sided, and that when I run out of steam to make the phone calls or the time to catch up with the other person, then the phone never rings and we lose touch.

I am still trying to figure out what an autistic/ADHD friendship looks like. When I work it out, I want to put it into stories so that other AuDHD women and girls can see what they look like, show them another view of friendships.

I also need to remember that the phone goes both ways and the other person can always call me…

If you’re AuDHD and have some ideas of how I can show these friendships in stories, I’d love to hear them.

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