It comes down to pattern recognition…

This all started yesterday when I met someone who is doing something similar to what I want to do… only with crafts instead of creative writing & reading. Since our initial conversation, my mind has been whirring on all the things I would do if I had a studio to run programs and activities.

I know that I could do a business plan with this.

I could list the different workshops and programs I could offer.

I could do a financial forecast as I’m good with spreadsheets and numbers.

But there’s a roadblock.

I can come up with the best plans in the world, I can dream as big as the next person, however I don’t currently have the money or supports I need to make them happen.

What does this have to do with pattern recognition?

This is the pattern I’ve seen most of my life.

I will have a goal or dream, then the practical realities rear their ugly heads.

After I finished high school, I wanted to go to Europe and study and go on a literary tour… but a lack of funds meant that was never something that would actually happen, at least in my mind. Looking back, if I had thought it was a reality and spoken with my parents, then there may have been a way…

When I started my first business in 2002, I started with next to no money, and time and again, plans had to be shelved due to a lack of money to make it happen. I had some supports, but not as many as I probably needed, and that took money.

Even now, I have so many picture books that are not commercial enough for publishers that I would love to publish, I simply don’t have the money.

This brings me back to my idea of having a studio to run workshops, have a shop where I can sell some of the amazing indie books that are out there, and more… I simply don’t have the funds to make it happen. This is the pattern.

So, I stop dreaming and having big goals in any meaningful way.

I will think the big thoughts, and write down the plans, and no longer expect that anything will come of them.

This goes back to my post the other day about vision boards…

Without money and practical support, I work supporting the goals and dreams of people around me, and publish the books that I can afford and continue to make do.

I hope that one day, my pattern recognition will be proven false, but until then, I’ll keep ticking along the way I’ve been going…

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When I was growing up, these would be created by cutting pictures out of magazines and greeting cards and whatever else the organsier could provide.

Now, they are often created in programs like Canva using stock images.

I know how to do them, I’ve done my fair share of them over the years. Often, they are a fun exercise, however they don’t do anything to motivate me towards any goals.

I have been reflecting on this recently, along with working out how my brain works, and a few reasons why it doesn’t work come to mind. Here are a few things that I’ve thought of.

1. Now or not now – my brain seems to work on a ‘now or not now’ basis with little concept of time. I have no idea how long five years will be. I have no idea how long five years ago was. I’m constantly surprised that I’m 47 years old and my kids are adults! Trying to do a vision for the future feels like writing fantasy.
2. What does the trainer want to see – because I often have no idea what 5 years in the future will look like, and because I’ve been told my dreams are wrong, I think ‘what does the trainer or facilitator want to see?’ and add that to my vision board. A big house – check. A fancy car – check. High income – check. Overseas holiday – check. Because I’m often not given space to work out what I actually want, my vision board really is a work of fiction!
3. My dreams are ‘wrong’ – For most of my adult life at least, I’ve been told that I need to strive to be bigger, better, earn more money, climb the ladder, or whatever you want to call it. I have been told that wanting to live in a small cottage somewhere and write my books & run the odd workshop isn’t thinking big enough and that I need to work on my ‘growth mindset’. In short, I’ve been told my dreams are wrong. This is one of the reasons that visions boards don’t work because I’ve been told that my actual dreams are too small.
4. Reality of life – another thing I’ve found is that the reality of my life to this point hits hard. All the struggles I’ve had because I’m autistic and ADHD come to play and I think ‘what’s the point of dreaming this way when the reality is that it won’t happen?’ This is not me being negative, it’s realistic. I’ve had dreams and done vision boards before and have never been able to make them happen. It has nothing to do with mindset and more to do with practical reality and supports.
5. Forgetting it exists – the idea of vision boards is that you put it up and look at it often to remind you of where you want to go and let it motivate you. Even when I’ve had them printed and on the wall, I tend to forget that it exists, so it doesn’t serve any practical purpose other than adding to the stuff in my house!

Vision boards may seem like a great exercise, and I know there are many people who find them highly motivating. However for me, they don’t work very well.

It would be interesting to see what happens if I ever get to the stage where I have proper supports to make things happen, at that point, they may actually work. But for now, they serve no practical purpose other than being an exercise to pass the time.

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While my mum was a stay-at-home mum until I was an adult, my siblings and I were sent outside to play after school, either in the back yard or with the other kids in our street.

I am a parent, my kids are adults… so I can see a lot of this from both sides.

I was one of four kids. Things like emotional regulation wasn’t spoken about, and having active kids, keeping a house, juggling the demands of being a parent is dysregulating. I imagine that so much of sending us outside to play was my mum’s way of getting a bit of quiet so she could do things like cook dinner, as well as get the bickering of kids out of her space for a while.

When it comes to the whole latchkey kids thing, mothers were being encouraged to go back to work, however there weren’t the after-school care options there are now. Even now, there is no after-school care for kids in secondary school.

What are the alternatives here?

Mother’s not going to work? Sometimes it was a financial necessity. I realise what a privileged position my parents were in that mum could stay home. We weren’t rich and I know my parents kept a close eye on their budgets. The flip side was that mum was home after school most days to give us snacks, help with homework, cook dinner, take us to after-school activities. And yes, she did send us outside to play a lot.

When I see posts like the one I mentioned at the top of this post, I wonder if that person was a kid in that time, and if they are a parent themselves. It strikes me that the only way to avoid being seen as a ‘toxic’ parent is to make the world completely revolve around your child (even that has issues), or simply not be a parent at all.

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I understand there are issues with social media. There is bullying, however this is not a new issue. Bullying has been around before social media, I was bullied at school and this was in the early 1990s. Yes, it didn’t follow me home by devices. I have also been the victim of cyberbullying as an adult. Banning under 16s from social media is not going to stop cyberbulling. If only that was so… if someone wants to bully someone, they will find a way.

I also know the importance of connection social media can give to teens. My own kids had chronic health issues and would miss months of school. Social media provided them with a connection to their peers from school, as well as connecting them with other kids with their same health conditions. It also connected them to special interests such as Rubix Cube communities.

Through social media, they learned skills such as video creation, that they may not have been interested in otherwise. Sites like YouTube gave them the opportunities to learn and develop their skills.

As with anything else, there needs to be education around social media. One of the things I’ve discovered is that many kids are more savvy around social media than many adults as this is something they have grown up with. There are cyber programs run in schools to teach kids about how to use social media.

I have learned that there is a lot around social media that is good, and there is stuff that is bad. Just like any other aspect of society. The social skills that kids learn need to translate to online, and these are lessons that adults need to learn too.

The government wanting to ban kids under 16 from social media has so many issues it’s not funny. From forgetting the good things to enforcement. I don’t trust the platforms with my phone number, I certainly don’t trust them with identity documents. I’m also pretty sure that kids will find a way around it. After all, platforms already say they are not for those under 13, yet younger kids still open up accounts.

Instead of banning the under 16s from social media, how about doing more to get rid of the trolls and bots. Shutting down accounts that try to clone genuine users, removing explicit content, especially from DMs, that sort of thing. This policy is short sighted and has so many holes in it.

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Burn out may look different for different people.

For me, I am fatigued, sleep doesn’t make much of a difference. I don’t wake up rested.

My brain doesn’t seem to function properly. I forget things, overthink, can’t settle on anything.

I don’t know how to really enjoy life. I will sit and watch something on TV, but it’s not relaxing, it’s more that it’s existing in the background.

On that note, I can’t seem to relax.

I feel like I am letting everyone down – my boss, clients, parents, everyone! Even if that is not logical.

I am also having events from the last 10 years caring for my chronically ill kids catching up with me as there is no way to deal with things when you’re in the moment.

I need a break, but I’m scared. How am I going to afford to live while I do this?

The first step is that I will be taking December and January off work. I will still be writing and selling books, I will still do the workshops that I’ve been booked to do, but otherwise, I am taking a break from work.

I am hoping that during this time, I will be able to evaluate life and set things up next year so that I can have breaks during the year, as well as set things up so I’m not slipping further in to burnout.

Wish me luck.

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I recently got into a discussion on Threads about this. Someone posted that she was positive her strive for being perfect didn’t come from her parents, and I completely agree.

Looking back, the messages I got growing up about being perfect mostly came from school. There was a bit of a back up from parents & grandparents (my grandpa would pay us for the number of A, B and Cs we got on our school reports), but it was mostly from school.

The messages would sound like some of these:

Being told our work wasn’t up to scratch, and that we could ‘do better’.

Being marked down if my working out on maths problems weren’t what the teacher wanted, even if the answer was correct.

Being awarded for getting 100% on a test as well as those who got the top marks getting awards at the end of the year.

Being told off if things weren’t exactly as expected.

Do these sound familiar?

These were the sorts of things that were drummed into me from a young age. I can remember one teacher give us a hard time if we didn’t get anything less than 100% because, according to her, anything less was a fail! This is the only subject I cheated on tests as I was struggling and her threats didn’t make it feel safe for me to ask for help.

In my adult life, these messages have stayed with me and are often reinforced in society. It’s those high achievers that get ahead, they are the ones who win awards and are put up as being examples and people we should strive to be, and anything less is a failure. Even in online games, there are ones that will literally say ‘you fail’ if you don’t pass a level.

In many business programs I’ve done, the trainers teach perfectionism. They teach that your content has to be perfect to get customers, your product or service, your speech, whatever… they say that everything must be perfect or close to perfect for you to be a success.

There are some that are changing now to teach that done is better than perfect, however those early messages are hard to ignore…

When my kids were at school, the grading system in reports changed so that C meant you were at the expected level, B was 6 months ahead, and A was 12 months ahead. It will be interesting to see if things change for the next generation as they grow…

The strive for perfection isn’t always a ‘trauma response’, it can be, but not always. Sometimes it can be years of grown ups, teachers, and experts rewarding those with perfect grades, being told that being perfect is the only way to succeed, and believing them…

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When I arrived, I stood at the door for around 15 minutes. No one came up to speak to me and I didn’t know what was going on. I had a mini meltdown and spent time beating myself up about being overwhelmed, especially as I used to attend networking events all the time, and ran a business network myself! Until a lady came up to see if I was OK. She got me a glass of water and some tissues and chatted until I calmed down. She also walked in with me and helped me meet some people, making the whole thing less scary.

Overall, I am glad I was able to stay, it got me thinking of some tips for organisers of networking events to make their events more inclusive and easier for neurodivergent business owners. Note that these are based on my experiences and not all will apply to everyone.

1. Have someone on the door greeting people – This is something I made sure was at all the events I ran and the best ones I attended also had someone at the door. This was a person who had a job to tick of names, welcome people, hand out goodie bags or information if they were there, as well as letting people know what was happening and where to go.
2. Name tags – this may sound a bit old fashioned or too much like school, however name tags can be really helpful, especially in places that are loud and you may not immediately remember someone’s name or find the place is overwhelming so you forget. Having a simple name tag with the person’s name and business can also help get an idea of who to talk to for those of us who are told to look for a particular person or industry.
3. Drink options – if there is alcohol, have nice non-alcoholic options available and on display in the same way alcoholic are. Not everyone drinks wine for a variety of reasons and a business networking event is not usually a place to get drunk. It can be awkward asking where other drink options are, especially if staff are not obvious.
4. Labels for food – if you are serving food, include labels for what is on offer, including any allergens. Again, it can be awkward asking about allergens, especially if staff are not obvious.
5. Staff working the event – if there are staff working at the event, make it obvious. Whether it’s a simple thing like a name tag, a lanyard or a uniform. This can help attendees find someone if they have any questions about things like food and drink, what is happening on the night, or even directions to the bathroom.
6. Introduce people – keep an eye out for people on the fringes, those who are standing there and not talking to anyone. Go up to them and introduce yourself and bring them in to conversations. If the lady hadn’t stopped to ask how I was, I would have gone home! I’m not great at making the first move, especially in a room of people already talking who seem to know each other.
7. Agenda – having someone keep an eye on timing and letting people know when the formal part of the event is over (so they have permission to leave if needed) is helpful. The agenda doesn’t need to be public, having someone keeping an eye on time and what is happening, and making announcements, can help participants know what is going on.

This is by no means a complete list, however I hope that they may help others when planning networking events to help them be more inclusive. These are things that would have been really helpful for me at the event I went to on Friday night, and these are things that were at events I attended in the past.

Are there things you would add to this list?

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I was one of those kids who found things easy.

I would be taught a concept and understood it, especially if it was something I found interesting. I would then go down a rabbit hole to learn what I could. Back in the 1990s, it wasn’t as easy as it is now.

I would do my best on assignments that didn’t make sense.

The undiagnosed ADHD part of my brain left things to the last minute and, for the most part, I got good marks.

Fitting myself into the box was ‘hard work’.

I was constantly told to ‘work hard’ to get ‘ahead’ or to ‘be successful’.

So I continued to work hard.

I learned skills that didn’t come naturally in order to be paid to do a job. With some of these skills, I mastered them and now I’m good at this particular thing, even if it doesn’t suit my brain.

I work hard.

The flip side to this is something no one expected, not even me.

Because I was told to ‘work hard’ and that this hard work would be valued (it’s not always, but that’s a whole other post), I dismissed or undervalued the things that come easy to me.

Writing a story is easy for me.

Running my writers’ groups is easy for me.

Inspiring kids and others to create is easy for me.

Coming up with creative ideas to do things is easy for me.

Talking about the weird and wonderful things in my head is easy for me.

However, none of these are things that I felt was of any value… simply because it wasn’t ‘hard work’.

Even in my business, I keep overthinking anything that I find easy, thinking that is something that can’t possibly work and bring me success because it’s not ‘hard work’.

I think we need to downplay the ‘hard work’ narrative and let people know that it’s okay to lean in to what is easy. That it’s okay to follow your passions and go a path that brings you joy. And that it’s okay to outsource some of that hard work to someone who finds it easier!

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It may be the male lead sees the female lead with her ex, he is down on one knee proposing to her. The male lead assumes she is now engaged and distances himself without talking to her.

An email or conversation will be viewed or overheard out of context and the lead who gets that glimpse makes assumptions and distances themself without speaking to the other lead about the full story.

The leads are from two different backgrounds, usually one country and one city, and they make assumptions about what the other one wants.

Not even starting on the characters who are secretly royalty!

Anyway, you get the idea.

So many of these movies show misunderstandings that could be avoided if they only talk to each other.

Life Lesson:

Communication is the key in any relationship, and it can be hard, especially in the heat of the moment. Taking some time to talk to someone about any concerns takes an element of bravery and honesty, along with a whole lot of humility and vulnerability.

In the cases where a male lead sees a proposal, I get frustrated that they don’t stick around to see the answer, or even mention they saw the proposal and ask to see the ring to confirm if she says yes. Especially as they spent part of the movie talking about how she is over her ex.

In the case where a conversation is overheard or an email seen, asking for the full story or some clarification would prevent a whole lot of issues.

From an AuDHD, it can be really hard to bring up conversations about difficult topics, especially when it means being vulnerable. We often spend time thinking about things and our minds will have whole conversations with itself.

We also fear rejection, and RSD can make these assumptions for us!

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Author: Rudy Simone

Category: Non-Fiction

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley

Publication date: July 15, 2010

Blurb: Girls with Asperger’s Syndrome are less frequently diagnosed than boys, & even once symptoms have been recognized, help is often not readily available. The image of coping well presented by AS females can often mask difficulties, deficits, challenges, & loneliness.

Review: This was such a mixed book, part memoir, part not. I really wanted to love it as the first few chapters left me feeling really excited, but it seemed to lose its way part way through.

I wasn’t sure who this book was aimed at. At the end of each chapter, the book had a section for ‘aspergirls’ and another for parents. These bits of advice seemed quite preachy and unnecessary. As far as being for someone who is late diagnosed, much of the advice seemed to miss the mark.

This was book was just OK. It was an easy read, however took me a while as it lost me part way through.

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