There is so much that bugs me about this week. The biggest is that I can remember being told not to talk about my struggles in case it makes my kids feel bad… so I kept it all to myself and burned out, with huge consequences for the family. I’m not the only one who is told this.

Because we are told to keep things to ourselves, others don’t see our struggles either, especially when we’re juggling work, appointments, housework, and everything else with less than adequate supports. Then people wonder why we end up burned out.

Carers, whether we care for kids with disabilities & chronic illnesses, or our parents, or other loved ones, need more support, practical support.

I know that I could have done with more money so I didn’t have to try to juggle work with caring for my kids & all their appointments. I could have done with a cleaner & someone to cook some meals for me to take that off my shoulders. Someone to talk to, so say ‘yes, this is hard’ instead of constantly telling me to be positive & have ‘self-care’… I needed community care. I was lucky that I did have some support from my family and church, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

One of the biggest things is that I wish I had been able to share my story of how being a single parent & carer to two chronically ill kids with complex needs impacted me… even now, I don’t talk about this much, except in private groups with other parents. There is no doubt we love our kids and will do anything for them, but it’s also very difficult and it takes its toll.

I wish carers got more supports, and we were encouraged to talk about it, rather than hiding it… maybe one day I’ll be able to speak out…

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This morning, I stumbled over a post on Instagram about being Hyperverbal. This isn’t a term I had heard of before, but the more I read, the more I found myself thinking ‘hey, that’s me’. I did my usual thing of doing some research and found that there are others talking about being hyperverbal.

When I was younger, I was often told to stop talking, to consider other people, and think that may not be interested in what I had to say. I would talk over people in my excitement to get the words out. I would talk about my interests… but soon find that others didn’t want to listen.

I would take advantage of sharing time at church to talk about what was going on in my life, only to be told to sit down and let others have a turn. So I would stop talking.

I loved doing talks at school as I was able to share whatever I had learned, but my classmates didn’t seem to want to listen to me. My favourite parts of my journalism course were the radio and TV units where I could talk. I enjoy ringing radio stations to share things. I even chat to those at the supermarket just to talk to people.

If I’m struggling, I often call Lifeline so I can talk things through (I think this is another reason journalling doesn’t work well for me as I find processing big feelings by talking about them is what I need). I really enjoyed when I had a peer support worker as it was someone to talk to and I was encouraged to infodump.

There have been so many times in my life when I’ve been told to be quiet, to not talk, to not share. This could be that others aren’t interested, they want a turn, or their voices are simply louder than mine, so I learned to be quiet and to suppress my words, my voice.

I’ve only just discovered this term and what it means, so I’m trying to work out what to do with this moving forward… it’s nice to know that I’m not so unusual, needing to talk about things, to use my voice, as I thought.

There is a lot of information and discussion about those who are non-verbal and accommodations for them, but not much about those of us who are hyperverbal. I’m not sure what accommodations will help, maybe peer support workers who will let me talk, or something, I don’t know. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

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Then, as a teen, there is an expectation that you’ll do your school work and get good marks, then do chores around the house, extra-curricular activities, and, when you’re a certain age, get a job.

Then, when you’re an adult, there’s juggling a job, housework, bills, budgets, cooking dinner, and so much more. And to be a ‘successful’ adult, you can do certain things like paying the bills and managing money, keeping your house clean, tidy and organised, cook healthy meals, exercise, and keep working at your job… and that’s before you add kids and childcare into the mix.

A big thing with neurodivergence is struggling with executive functioning, part of that is struggling to manage all the things we are expected to do.

Being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse not to do things, as they do need doing, however it means we may need some additional support to get everything done.

That support could look like getting someone else to do the thing (such as getting a cleaner to do housework), having someone do the thing with you (often called body doubling), or a myriad of other supports that are available. This can include classes or lessons to learn skills that people assume we know at a particular age, but never learned for whatever reason. I know that there are some forms that I struggle to fill out, and having someone talk through them is really helpful and reduces the feeling of overwhelm.

Being told ‘you’re an adult, just do it’, isn’t helpful. There are times when we need some additional support and accommodations to get things done. There are times when we simply can’t just push through to get something done, we need some additional supports.

There is nothing wrong with needing some additional support to get things done. There are very few people who are actually good at doing everything. So if you need some extra help to get things done, reach out and find the supports that are going to help you (and yes, this is something I’m pretty bad at doing).

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I remember being in a Bible study group and someone commented that church shouldn’t be routine… however I can see that that routine helped me and helped my faith grow and stay.

Every Sunday, we would go to church. We would see, mostly, the same people. We were often involved in the service so already knew the songs. The pew sheet always told us what the readings were and the topic of the sermon and kids talk. We knew whether or not there was Sunday School (it wasn’t on in the school holidays, but we knew to expect colouring sheets). The prayer book meant that the services followed a predictable pattern and we knew what the responses were. Even if we went to a different church, they were all pretty much the same.

A standard church service usually involves some songs, prayers, Bible readings, sermons, and some more songs. If there was communion it was usually at the end of the service and followed a standard format. This format was fairly consistent with different denominations, though how communion was handed out was sometimes different.

For most churches, the minister or service leader would tell us what was happening next, so it was familiar, safe.

We were told when to stand or sit or kneel, though I never liked kneeling. Most songs were simple and, even if there was a band, they weren’t loud and ‘full on’. Often it would be a simple piano or organ.

The only churches I really didn’t like were the ‘mega’ churches. These were usually Pentecostal churches and were huge! The singing was high energy and there were lights and other effects. For me, it was sensory overload. I also really struggled as people would wave their hands in worship or prayer and I didn’t know what to do. Was I supposed to behave like that too? I always feel really uncomfortable in those environments. I’ve heard them referred to as churches for extroverts!

Church provided a space that was safe and familiar. Many of the people who have made a difference in my life have come from the various churches I have attended and have been very special to me, even if only for a short while.

Church was also a place to get involved. We would be encouraged to do this from a young age, from being part of the welcoming family at the door, to writing prayers to deliver in the service, to doing Bible readings, playing music in the band, performing during kids talks, and even being the service leader when I was 18. There were so many opportunities to practice my gifts and do the things I enjoyed. This was a space where I was supported to do this in a way that I wasn’t at school. When my kids were growing up, I was disappointed there weren’t the same opportunities for them.

Church was a routine, it was just what we did. I did miss it the years when I didn’t attend, and I’m glad that I’m back, though I am being a lot kinder to myself and allowing me to put my health first, as I used to not do that… Looking back, I realise how important those communities and routines were to this undiagnosed AuDHD girl.

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A couple of days ago, I saw a version that used steak, saying it was one price at the supermarket, another at the butcher, another at a diner, and another at a high end restaurant.

I felt this version of the meme didn’t make the point very well for a simple reason. At a diner or a restaurant, the only way to buy a steak is if it’s cooked as part of a meal. I don’t know about you, but I don’t buy raw steak to cook at home from a diner or restaurant.

With the first meme, it made sense to me as the bottle of water doesn’t change. Sometimes it may have a different label or brand, however I have seen the exact same bottle at a variety of places for different prices.

The second one didn’t. I get the vibe, that it’s trying to be like the water bottle one, however, for me, it tells me that to charge more I need to change myself and dress myself up to get the higher price tag.

The discussion I had after the steak meme shows me so clearly that different people interpret things in different ways and that there are many coaches out there who are set in their ways, insisting their interpretation is the only way… and that if you don’t agree, then there is something wrong with you… but I digress.

One big take away I have from these memes is that different people read things in different ways.

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I’ve been mulling over this and here is the reality.

For so many people, rest, especially complete rest is a luxury.

I know that I have been told I need to rest. I need to do nothing for a while, a long while, in order to recover from burn out. But here’s my reality. I can’t.

If I stop working completely, then I won’t have enough money coming in to pay the rent, bills, buy food, and everything else that I need to pay for in order to life. If I don’t work, then I’ll be homeless.

I want to rest, and know that I need to, but I also need to pay the bills. I don’t have a partner or anyone else who can earn money to pay for things. I have provided that role for my kids, giving them the opportunity to rest when they needed it. I paid the bills, cooked their meals, and did everything else so they could rest… but there is no one to do that for me.

The thing that I am discovering is there is next to no support for burn out recovery, especially financial… any social security payments are not enough to cover the basics.

This is not an ableist attitude, this is a realistic one… this is the result of an ableist society.

I would dearly love to rest, to give my body the time it needs to recover from burn out. The reality is that if I do that, I will end up homeless, and that won’t help with burn out at all!

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I find the same as an adult. I get told that, to get the success & results I desire, I just do xyz.

So I do that. I follow all the steps and yes, I do the work. But something is still missing and I simply don’t get chosen. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong.

I got a Facebook memory today that I had submitted a picture book to a publisher… five years ago! To date, I have had no response from them, so I assume they didn’t want it. This has happened with so many of my stories. I follow the steps I’m told to follow. I write the story and edit it, working it over and over again. I invest money in the process so I can have a manuscript that publishers will love. Then I submit it to publishers. I also attend conferences and webinars to learn what needs to be done. Then, I hear nothing…

I have written stories that would fit the brief of what the publishers want, what they put on their websites that they want. And I hear nothing.

However, when I self-publish the stories and others buy them, they love them!

Sometimes I think that I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve never been popular or part of the inner circle (and I feel there is one in just about every aspect of life, including publishing), even though I try my hardest and keep doing what I’m told.

Yet, it doesn’t work.

I keep floating through life, with people not seeming to see or notice me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to have done wrong.

So many people tell me I’ve done nothing wrong, but some days, it doesn’t feel that way…

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As I saw that, I thought ‘No, you don’t’.

I refrained from replying, but felt like I needed to say something about this.

My whole life, the idea that hard work will bring results and that if you work for something you get it has been drummed in to me, from school to uni to work, and more, this is a pretty consistent message.

But here’s the thing. I have worked hard all my life, yet haven’t got what I’ve worked for!

I have worked hard. I have followed the ‘rules’ on how to do things, from grow my business to have a household budget. I have done everything I was told I should do so that I would ‘get what I work for’, yet it hasn’t come.

I have realised that a lot of this has to do with the fact that what I’ve done doesn’t suit my brain, but a lot also has to do with the way society is set up.

For those who work for an employer, for example, the employer sets the wages, they decide what they will pay. And if you are working part time and/or in a lower paying role, no amount of hard work is going to help you get ahead. Not to mention those who are on higher salaries often appear to be working less hard than those working entry level jobs.

Mums and carers work incredibly hard, and for next to no pay, so therefore are often left behind.

I’m tired of being told if I work hard I’ll get what I work for… when that simply doesn’t happen, or it hasn’t happened to date.

It also pushes away the things that I find easy to do, so I think that I need to work hard, even when my past experiences have shown that doesn’t work.

So, you don’t always get what you work for, and if it doesn’t happen, it’s not because you haven’t worked hard enough.

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I would like to disagree with this.

I have spent my life outside my comfort zone, pushing myself to do things that I’m simply not designed to do.

Often, I’m not sure what my comfort zone is… then I’ll have times like I did yesterday. I went to a café for lunch and sat and wrote a chapter of a novel. When I went home, I started looking for an illustrator for a new picture book. These actions helped me feel calm and productive and, you know something else? These things are activities IN my comfort zone.

Writing stories and sharing them is what is in my comfort zone. I may be bragging a bit when I say that I write great stories. These stories come from where I feel comfortable.

Yes, it can be a bit scary putting them out there, but it’s something I love doing.

I love sharing my stories with others.

I love going to markets and talking about my books.

I love going to writers’ groups and sharing what I’ve written.

Writing and sharing my story is entirely within my comfort zone.

It’s when I step out of my comfort zone and try to push myself too far, that I get overwhelmed and start to fall apart. I am also coming to the conclusion that this pushing myself out of my comfort zone is one of the big contributors to my burn out.

Here’s the thing. Great things DO come from being in your comfort zone. This is something I want to explore more and embrace. I’m starting to do that with the creation of a new picture book, and spending some more time writing and sharing my stories.

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I’m not focusing on what I can’t do, but more on what I feel I ‘should’ do…

I feel like I ‘should’ be doing more workshops, even though they drain energy.

I feel like I ‘should’ be doing many of the tasks I’ve always been doing because that’s the responsible thing to do and I don’t want to let people down.

I feel like I ‘should’ be ‘doing business’ and getting more clients and growing things.

I feel like there are so many should’s in my life that is taking the focus, instead of doing what I really want to be doing.

With all of the ‘shoulds’, it’s not that I can’t do them. I have the skills and experience, even if my exhaustion gets in the way right now, after all, I know how to use 5 different accounting software, but that doesn’t mean I should be working as a bookkeeper.

When I allow myself to go back to the things I enjoy, so many shoulds come tumbling in telling me that it’s a waste of time or that I should be doing something that will make more money in one go (eg run a workshop instead of write a book, as a workshop will bring in more money right away, but a book won’t see any money for ages, then I only make a few dollars per sale).

All of these shoulds are from years of social conditioning around what makes an adult and a productive and valuable member of society. They don’t come from a single source, and it’s challenging to untangle myself from that.

Reflecting on all of this, I am realising that I’m not focusing on the things I can’t do, because they are things I can do, I have the skills and knowledge and experience, and can always learn. It’s more that I’m focusing on the things I feel that I should do, the things I’ve been told are valuable and will make me a responsible adult, rather than the things I want to do, that light me up, that bring me joy, and, yes, also do bring me money…

I’m a work in progress, and now that I’m aware of this, I need to focus more on eliminating the shoulds from my mind.

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