I was one of those kids who found things easy.

I would be taught a concept and understood it, especially if it was something I found interesting. I would then go down a rabbit hole to learn what I could. Back in the 1990s, it wasn’t as easy as it is now.

I would do my best on assignments that didn’t make sense.

The undiagnosed ADHD part of my brain left things to the last minute and, for the most part, I got good marks.

Fitting myself into the box was ‘hard work’.

I was constantly told to ‘work hard’ to get ‘ahead’ or to ‘be successful’.

So I continued to work hard.

I learned skills that didn’t come naturally in order to be paid to do a job. With some of these skills, I mastered them and now I’m good at this particular thing, even if it doesn’t suit my brain.

I work hard.

The flip side to this is something no one expected, not even me.

Because I was told to ‘work hard’ and that this hard work would be valued (it’s not always, but that’s a whole other post), I dismissed or undervalued the things that come easy to me.

Writing a story is easy for me.

Running my writers’ groups is easy for me.

Inspiring kids and others to create is easy for me.

Coming up with creative ideas to do things is easy for me.

Talking about the weird and wonderful things in my head is easy for me.

However, none of these are things that I felt was of any value… simply because it wasn’t ‘hard work’.

Even in my business, I keep overthinking anything that I find easy, thinking that is something that can’t possibly work and bring me success because it’s not ‘hard work’.

I think we need to downplay the ‘hard work’ narrative and let people know that it’s okay to lean in to what is easy. That it’s okay to follow your passions and go a path that brings you joy. And that it’s okay to outsource some of that hard work to someone who finds it easier!

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I’ve been reflecting on this lately, wondering where the messages that I’m somehow not good enough come from.

Recently, it hit me…

At school, my ‘worth’ was based on my grades. No matter how hard I worked on something, someone else would sit there with a red pen and mark them to show me if my work was good enough. If it wasn’t, then I was told to work harder. This was especially difficult in more creative subjects. In ones like maths, it was simple, there was a right and wrong answer, however for essays, for example, it was harder.

It was the same at university.

It didn’t matter that I love learning. It didn’t matter that I was trying my hardest. All that mattered was the mark on the assessment, on the reports that went home. If those numbers weren’t high enough, I wasn’t good enough.

At work, I was told by someone else if I was good enough at the job, whether it was in a review or how much I was paid, this was all set by someone else.

When submitting books to publishers, someone else decides if the stories are good enough. I know that whether or not a book is accepted is more than simply the quality of the story, however the RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) can kick in, telling me I’m not a good enough writer because they don’t want to publish my story, even though I know people love reading them.

In business programs, if I’m not getting the results that the coaches promise, then I get told that I’m not working hard enough, even though I’m pushing myself to burn out. If I decide to listen to my body and do things differently or decide it doesn’t work for me, I get told that I’m not good enough.

Don’t get me started on the messages and ‘advice’ around parenting!

These are just a few examples of how society has told me that I’m not good enough.

If I don’t fit into the box, I’m not good enough.

If I’m struggling, I’m not good enough.

If I don’t do what I’m expected, I’m not good enough.

These are messages that are hard to shake. It’s hard to see that my efforts are enough, because I’ve had decades of messages saying that they’re not.

I’m trying to shake them, to forge my own path, one that suits me. One that has everything around me telling me that I am good enough. It’s hard, really hard… I hope that one day soon, I can leave these messages that I’m not good enough behind and truly see myself for the amazing person that I am.

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I had a really challenging week last week, resulting in a complete shutdown, and I spent the weekend, and a lot of the week, binge watching romance movies.

One of the main reasons I like them is they are predictable. They follow a formula, and I don’t have to think too much. If I am having a time where my brain isn’t functioning as I want it to, I can still lose myself in one of these movies… plus they have gorgeous scenery that makes for a wonderful escape.

Over the weekend I realised something.

There are actually quite a few life lessons that you can learn from these romantic movies, and they’re not what you may think. It’s not always about meeting ‘the one’, there are others in there too. They may not become apparent if you only watch the occasional movie, or just watch the ads, but when you binge watch them over a few days, you start to recognise them (or maybe it’s my autistic pattern recognition).

I got the idea that this would make a great series for blog post & potentially a book…

Keep an eye on this blog for future posts as I try to sort out the lessons and put them in some semblance of order. Also, if you think this would make a great blog series or book, please let me know. If nothing else, it will be a bit of fun.

Do you like watching those cheesy romantic movies too? What are some of your favouriters, or even favourite settings or tropes?

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My parents made a big deal to everyone about how we were going away, I think it was for a week. One evening, we were all packed into the car and drove around. I think we stopped at McDonald’s for dinner, which was a huge treat. Us kids kept asking where our luggage was, if we were going on holiday. Mum and dad made excuses before we drove around and pulled back into our driveway.

It was explained that we were on holiday and everyone thought we were away. This meant that we didn’t have to see people or do the things we would normally do, although we were able to play with the neighbour’s kids as we would play with local kids if were away.

The week was pretty quiet. We hung around at home, read books, went on a few outings. There weren’t the phone calls or visitors that we would normally have.

Looking back, I wonder if mum and dad felt bad we weren’t going away somewhere fancy, and if money was tight so taking a family of 6 away was more than they could afford at the time. But this holiday lives in my memory as one that was relaxing and peaceful.

Knowing what I know now about autism and ADHD, I wonder if the fact I was still sleeping in my own bed, in my own room, was a big part of why I enjoyed it. I was in familiar surroundings, and the peace of not having people around all the time made it peaceful… I could read my book without feeling like I had to be somewhere.

I don’t remember much about what we actually did during that week, but I do remember that it was a great holiday.

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When I first moved out, I lived in share houses for a couple of years and the television was owned by my housemates.

When I got married, our television was a hand-me-down from my husbands best friend who worked at Blockbuster. Blockbuster was upgrading and we got one really cheap.

When that television died, my brother was upgrading his, so I got the one he was getting rid of.

When that television died, my brother found a television abandoned on the nature strip. It worked and only needed a new remote control.

When that television died, we got a cheap one off Facebook marketplace.

And that brings us to today (or yesterday).

Every time there was some technological upgrade, I would get a set top box, or some other add on to make things work.

The realisation that I have never owned a brand new television came because our latest set top box is going to become obsolete and I was trying to work out what my options were – get a new box or a new television…

This may seem like something small, however it seems to be a great analogy for my life.

I feel like so much of my life is ‘mending and make do’, changing things to fit the situation instead of getting an option that actually suits me. I will tweak things and add things to try to fit in and be ‘acceptable’ instead of doing the thing that actually works for me.

Oh, and it’s not only a television that I have never owned new… I’ve never had a new couch either, or a brand new car… Last year, I bought my first brand new mattress for my bed, so I’m getting there.

By the end of the year, I may own my first brand new television too!

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When I was a teenager, there was a youth group activity where people took it in turns to be blindfolded, then were guided to do a series of activities. The idea of this freaked me out and I sat out. I was teased by others in youth group, though the leaders respected my preference and didn’t force me to do the activity. I don’t know what all the things were as I didn’t do it… it was also one of those moments when I felt like I should be able to take part and enjoy the evening, but I really didn’t.

There was a work ‘trust’ exercise at one point where people had to be blindfolded, and once again, I felt a complete sense of panic and refused to participate. This time, however, I was told by the trainers I was ‘letting the team down’ and I obviously didn’t trust my workmates. Honestly, trusting them wasn’t the issue.

Even games like pin the tail on the donkey left me feeling anxious.

I used to think my dislike of being blindfolded was to do with a feeling of being out of control. I hated the feeling of not knowing where my body was.

Recently, I learned about proprioception.

I wonder how much of the fact I hate being blindfolded comes down to poor proprioception. How much is that I don’t know where my body is in relation to the world around me that if I can’t see that world, the feeling totally freaks me out and I get all discombobulated. I already struggle to work out where my body is in relation to the world, one reason I keep bumping myself on things, however, take away being able to see things and it makes life even harder.

All my life, I have been given a hard time for not wanting to be blindfolded. Now I know I’m AuDHD, and learning about my brain, I am learning that I’m not all that weird. It also appears that not participating in activities where I am blindfolded was one time I set boundaries and stood up for my needs, even though I didn’t understand why I felt that way.

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Imagine… now you have control over your beautiful , powerful mind…

This made me laugh, for a simple reason – I never have control over my mind. I never have!

My mind often feels like a runaway train going down a hill. It decides to go on a particular path, and just keeps going.

I can try to control it, make it do what I, or others, want it to do… but it never works.

Whenever I try to control it, I end up exhausted and burned out. I end up feeling like I’m no good and useless. Whatever I try to create ends up being, if I’m honest, not so great. This is where I put things off and find things don’t get done as my mind just says ‘nope, not doing that’.

Instead, whenever I catch hold of my mind and follow where it leads, amazing things happen.

Stories get written, kids get inspired to write, I discover amazing books and people, and I’m generally happier and healthier.

One of the things I wanted to do when I was diagnosed AuDHD was to learn how to work with my mind instead of trying to control it. I want to free my mind so that I can be authentically me, to create beautiful stories, to have a life that suits me.

My mind is beautiful and powerful, and doesn’t need to be controlled. In fact, it’s much better when I don’t control it. When I can follow that runaway train and let it take me on the most amazing, spectacular adventures.

So, instead of imagining that I’m in control of my mind, I’m going to set it free and see where it leads me.

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If you give me some software and let me play, I’ll play around and work out how to use it.

If you give me a text book, I’ll follow the information and learn what to do (one of the biggest issues I had with maths at school).

There are so many areas of my life where I pick up skills and just know how to do things. The biggest area this comes out is my writing. I seem to just know how to write a story.

The challenge I have with this is that formal learning doesn’t fit this method of learning.

If I try to quantify how I do something, especially to put it into a course or program to teach others, I can’t do it.

If I attend a course or class on something I know how to do, I end up feeling as though I am not good and can’t do whatever the thing is the course is teaching me!

One of the most frustrating things is that my skills often aren’t recognised because I don’t have a piece of paper to show that I know what I know. And I also can’t push through the courses to get that piece of paper as it is more harmful to my mental health and self-esteem than people seem to understand.

Another frustrating thing is that I often don’t acknowledge all the things that I know, or how valuable these skills are because I have picked them up somewhere or just seem to know how to do something, rather than being taught.

I also forget that not everyone has the skills that I have, that they don’t find things, like writing a story or doing bookkeeping, easy. I forget that these are skills that people will pay me for…

I love learning about stuff, picking up skills. It’s harder when I’m burned out, almost as though my brain is so full there’s no room for anything new, but that doesn’t stop me. When I’m burned out, those new skills need to be somehow relevant to me and my interests… even then, I love learning about things. It seems to be simply how I’m wired.

It’s also nice when I go to something and find out that whatever I’ve taught myself or picked up along the way is absolutely on the right track.

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Recently, there was one contact I had met at a business event who posted rubbish about procrastination being ‘bad behaviour’ due to bad habits, you know, the usual rubbish we have to deal with.

I started a reply about ADHD & Executive Dysfunction, but then decided it wasn’t worth it.

Instead, I unfriended.

Boy it felt good!

I’ve decided, I’m not going to put up with that rubbish on my personal timeline. If those people want to see what I’m doing in business, they can follow my page, then I don’t have to see their ableist nonsense. I also decided that I don’t always have to be an advocate and to pick my battles.

Honestly, this is huge for me! I usually sit there & tolerate stuff… Not any more.

I figured you would all get it

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I feel you are letting me, and others like me, down, mostly because we don’t fit in with your understanding of who an autistic person is, and what they need.

You see, I have had a lifetime of learning skills to fit in with the role society has set for me, as a woman, a mother, a housekeeper, an employee, or any other role I’ve been expected to perform. Among the reasons it took until I was 44 for anyone to notice that I’m autistic.

I have done the courses and programs for social skills, meal planning, parenting, job skills. I mastered many of them, however they didn’t make life easier for me. If anything, they made life harder, leaving me feeling broken and a loser because these programs didn’t do what the promised, they didn’t make life easier.

Instead, these programs helped me slide in to burn out, and reduced my capacity to function. Right now, I feel like I’m in an eternal state of burn out.

Over the years, my cries for support have been ignored or rejected, and this has contributed to my reduced capacity to function.

I live in survival mode. In burn out.

And no one is listening.

I put on a mask that I’m capable, and if you look at the surface, it looks like that is what I am.

However here is the reality.

I have no choice to operate like this. If I don’t cook, we don’t eat. If I don’t earn money, I can’t pay the rent.

I have raised two children with minimal supports, while in burn out mode without knowing that’s what it was, and this has had a major impact on my family.

I don’t need more classes on how to manage a household or ‘social skills’. This will not help.

I need practical support so I can recover from burn out. I need to do less things, not more. I don’t need to be treated as if I don’t know how to do anything. I’ve had a lifetime of building those skills.

Instead, I need to just not.

I need to learn how to not fight with my brian.

I need supports so I can thrive, not just survive.

I need someone else to do the doing and the caring for a while so that I can rest.

For me, to build capacity again, I need to be able to rest and recover.

Instead, I am offered more classes, more therapy, more appointments, and the sorts of supports I actually need are either ignored or denied.

I am a highly intelligent, high masking, autistic woman who is 46 years old. I don’t fit the box of what so many understand what autistic ADHD individuals are like. I need supports that are tailored to my needs, not the ones that fit the box.

Thank you for reading this far, and if you are a support organisation who would like more about this, I would be happy to talk to you more.

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