I have read all the books, done programs, even did a program when I was teen. I do all the things that they tell me to do, to the point of completely changing who I am in order to make myself ‘someone people will want to spend time with’, and it doesn’t work very well.

This ends up in burn out. Or the relationship just seems to peter out. Or they confront me with something they don’t like about (I now know these are typical neurodivergent traits that don’t fit the ‘acceptable’ box).

I have a theory.

We are taught an neurotypical ideal of what friendship should be, especially female friendship. There are endless movies, TV shows, and novels about girls and women and their friends. We are given these from a young age, and they help us learn how to mask.

A neurodivergent friendship looks different. I’m still not sure how it looks different, I’m still working it out, but it does.

It could look like connecting only on our hyperfocus.

It could be us constantly talking over each other in a chaotic conversation that we both find incredibly satisfying.

It could be us having nothing to do with each other for months or years, then reconnecting as if no time has passed.

It could be something else entirely.

Friendships is something that seems to be expected of us and if we don’t have a best friend that we grew up with, then there is something wrong with us… and we feel awful and a loser and somehow less than.

I have found so many friendships are one sided, and that when I run out of steam to make the phone calls or the time to catch up with the other person, then the phone never rings and we lose touch.

I am still trying to figure out what an autistic/ADHD friendship looks like. When I work it out, I want to put it into stories so that other AuDHD women and girls can see what they look like, show them another view of friendships.

I also need to remember that the phone goes both ways and the other person can always call me…

If you’re AuDHD and have some ideas of how I can show these friendships in stories, I’d love to hear them.

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I remember being taught about how to do homework. Coming home and spending hours doing essays and assignments when all I really needed was to unwind and decompress after a day at school. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was masking at school and needed a break.

I remember being told ‘strategies’ on how to do things, and knowing now that these things didn’t suit my brain. Being told to sit there until the task was done, memorising facts and figures (which I would promptly forget), making posters and documents look pretty.

Being taught to push through even when every fiber of my being was screaming for a rest or to do something else.

We were told that these skills would set us up for success in life. That knowing how to study would help us in our professional lives.

I’m honestly not sure how valuable they were.

Study skills taught me to ignore my own needs for rest and to let my brain have a break.

Study skills taught me to put everyone else first in that the work came before what I needed.

Study skills taught me that if I wanted to learn something, it had to be in a way that suited other people.

Study skills taught me that my knowledge didn’t matter if it couldn’t be rehashed in an essay or exam.

I know this method of learning and rehashing information works for some people, but it didn’t work for me. I love to learn. One of the reasons I love reading so much is that I can learn so much through books, including fiction. However, writing essays and doing exams drives me crazy and makes the learning harder.

Another thing with these ‘study skills’ is that, as soon as I left formal study, I pretty much forgot all about them, until I had to sit through information sessions for kids when they were at school & hear about those things that didn’t work for me, and, as it turned out, didn’t work for them either!

I keep thinking that we need to rethink education, especially homework at all levels, and how students prove what they know… but that’s a topic for another day. I figure primary schools talking about no longer having homework is a great starting point.

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It’s a day I’ve never really enjoyed. Growing up, my mum would spend ages making things for the Mother’s Day stall, and she was one of the volunteers too! We had to be careful not to buy something she had made and try to hide our purchases from her. I admit that the variety of items on the stalls back then were better than the offerings when my kids were at school. I remember my kids complaining that everything on the Mother’s Day stall was pink, when I don’t like pink, my favourite colour is blue.

When I got married, trying to juggle Mother’s Day with my mum and mother-in-law was always fun, though nothing topped the gift we gave them 23 years ago when we told them their first grandchild was on the way!

When I became a mother, I felt like I was caught in the middle as Mother’s Day lunch was often at my parents’ place and I was expected to do stuff for my mum, while wishing I could have a break for the day.

For many years, my kids would spend Mother’s Day weekend with their dad, and I quite enjoyed the break, seeing them in the evening for dinner.

Now that my kids are grown, Mother’s Day isn’t a big deal at all.

This year, I had lunch with my mum, sister, and sister-in-law, but today isn’t going to be anything special. After all, I’ve already been buying my own present for years, if I wanted something.

The romanticism around Mother’s Day irritates me. It puts a pressure to be lovely and sweet, even when, as a mother, you just want a break. There’s also a pressure to buy presents, more stuff. Not to mention the pictures of what an ideal mother is.

There’s a unique motherguilt that comes when you don’t fit that box… especially as a mother who was undiagnosed neurodivergent until her kids were adults… I have never fit in the box, and those ‘touchy feely’ moments in the Mother’s Day ads have never been me.

So, I struggle with Mother’s Day. The idea versus the reality. It’s not an easy day, it never has been.

For all of you who are mothers, I hope you have a lovely day today, no matter what you are doing.

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When my kids were small, it was common for churches to have a ‘crying room’ for parents to take their small children. This was often a space at the side of the church or a separate room where kids could play with parents supervising and still hear what was going on in the church. This meant that parents didn’t miss out on the sermon or any other element of the service.

I quite liked this space. I didn’t have to worry about keeping my kids quiet, I could sit on a more comfortable chair, and still engage in the service. I could also move about as I needed.

At the time, I thought it was all about the kids and keeping them quiet, however, looking back, I realise how much of that room helped support me as an AuDHD person.

Being able to move about meant I could often listen more than if I had to sit still on a pew.

The seats were more comfortable than the pews, or even the plastic chairs, so I could sit in a way that felt more natural to me.

In the places where there was a separate room, the music was quieter than it was in the main church and this meant it wasn’t as sensory demanding and I could enjoy it more.

As an adult without kids, I’m not sure these spaces are available to me any more. It’s been a while since I looked at them. I know that not all churches have this area either.

It could be something that churches, especially larger churches, may want to consider when thinking about accessibility for neurodivergent people, these sensory spaces, where we can move or sit more comfortably while still hearing the service. The fact that I could still hear the service was important as I felt that I was still part of the community, while meeting my sensory needs (that I didn’t realise I had at the time).

These rooms could get overwhelming too if there were a lot of other kids in there, especially if they were noisy and crying, however that didn’t happen very often.

It’s fascinating looking back on my life at things that were available that helped my needs as an AuDHD person and I didn’t even realise it at the time.

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I have two children and here are some of the best gifts we received when they were born to give you some ideas:

• Clothes in bigger sizes – we received a lot of baby clothes, however the ones that stood out came from the girlfriend of one of my brothers. She had been to Bali and came back with some clothes in sizes 2 and 3! I put these away until the baby grew in to them. Many of the baby clothes were hardly worn, there were so many. These clothes in bigger sizes were great as that was the point I really needed to buy clothes, and we had some ready to go.
• Books – this may be a no-brainer for a booklover like me, however it’s something that not many people think about. Books could be picture books to start a library for the baby, but don’t forget books as they grow up. For one of my nephews, I gave them a set of the AA Milne Winnie-the-Pooh books and poems for them to enjoy as the baby grew older.
• Linking Rings – these were larger, plastic rings that linked together. They also had a rubber part on them for chewing. These were great as we could link them together and attach them to the pram with a toy on the other end, or they could be a toy on their own. They were brilliant when it came to teething as baby could chew on them, and they were very easy to clean.
• Meals – we were lucky enough to be part of a church community that filled our freezer with meals. If a home cooked meal is not an option, vouchers for meal delivery, groceries, or pre-made frozen meals could be an option. The fact that we didn’t have to cook for a while with a newborn was most appreciated.
• Nappies – some friends gave us a few packets of nappies in various sizes. This was fantastic as they were something we needed and having a stash meant we didn’t have to buy them and had a stash to get us started. Before buying nappies, check to see if the parents prefer cloth or disposable. If they prefer cloth, you could also offer a nappy washing service for a period of time to help take the pressure off.

I hope these give you some ideas for gifts for a new baby. If you have some ideas to add, please leave a comment.

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