I have had people say this to me when I’m struggling to function in a high-pressure environment. Instead of it turning me into a ‘diamond’, I ended up burning out, but still pushing through as that is what I have been told I should be doing…

On the other hand, I’ve been watching a lot of ‘Great British Bake Off’ lately and bread rises when it rests.

There was an episode I saw the other night where the judges commented that the bread wasn’t ‘proved’ enough, meaning it hadn’t rested for long enough to become what it was meant to be.

I know that I don’t function well under pressure, I need a lot of rest. This week, I’m taking time off and I am already feeling a lot calmer, saner, and my brain is slowing down.

I’m learning that I’m a loaf of bread, not a diamond.

I need to be more like bread…

Be more like bread…

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I have realised that my phone is a pretty good representation of my energy levels.

When I do things, my energy levels go down a lot faster than they used to, and I need more down time.

This could be as simple as having a nap during the day, or a longer lunch break. There are times when I need days to recover from activity.

If I have something on in the evening, I need to be able to have a slow start the next day. That means not starting before 10am (early appointments are an absolute no on those days).

This is also something I need to consider in any pricing structure for what I do. I can’t have back-to-back meetings with clients, they need to be spaced out, this means I have to take this into account with what I charge. For example, I can’t have three one-hour clients between 9am and 12 noon. If I do this, I will burn out. Instead, I could have two with a break in between.

I used to think there was something wrong with me not being able to work constantly like others seem to be able to do. I now know this is simply how my body operates.

Part of me accepting my ‘new normal’ and working with my brain is realising that I need plenty of recharge time. I need that time watching mindless shows on TV and doomscrolling, or taking a long shower, or simply not being ‘productive’. This is not a ‘nice to have’ it is an absolute need.

I am still learning how to embrace it, bring it into the everyday, and make it work for me instead of doing everything to work against it.

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I have read all the books, done programs, even did a program when I was teen. I do all the things that they tell me to do, to the point of completely changing who I am in order to make myself ‘someone people will want to spend time with’, and it doesn’t work very well.

This ends up in burn out. Or the relationship just seems to peter out. Or they confront me with something they don’t like about (I now know these are typical neurodivergent traits that don’t fit the ‘acceptable’ box).

I have a theory.

We are taught an neurotypical ideal of what friendship should be, especially female friendship. There are endless movies, TV shows, and novels about girls and women and their friends. We are given these from a young age, and they help us learn how to mask.

A neurodivergent friendship looks different. I’m still not sure how it looks different, I’m still working it out, but it does.

It could look like connecting only on our hyperfocus.

It could be us constantly talking over each other in a chaotic conversation that we both find incredibly satisfying.

It could be us having nothing to do with each other for months or years, then reconnecting as if no time has passed.

It could be something else entirely.

Friendships is something that seems to be expected of us and if we don’t have a best friend that we grew up with, then there is something wrong with us… and we feel awful and a loser and somehow less than.

I have found so many friendships are one sided, and that when I run out of steam to make the phone calls or the time to catch up with the other person, then the phone never rings and we lose touch.

I am still trying to figure out what an autistic/ADHD friendship looks like. When I work it out, I want to put it into stories so that other AuDHD women and girls can see what they look like, show them another view of friendships.

I also need to remember that the phone goes both ways and the other person can always call me…

If you’re AuDHD and have some ideas of how I can show these friendships in stories, I’d love to hear them.

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I also eat a bit when I’m bored, searching for that dopamine hit.

Recently, I have rediscovered those little packets of snacks that are promoted for kids lunchboxes. As my kids are now adults, we haven’t had them for ages… but I’ve recently rediscovered they exist. Honestly, they’ve been a game changer for me!

This includes packets of Shapes, biscuits, cheese and crackers, even yoghurt tubs.

These small packets are portion controlled, so I’m not tempted to eat a whole box of Shapes or similar in a sitting. They are convenient as I can grab and go. Not to mention that every packet tastes the same, so there are no flavour surprises.

They also help me to stop reaching for a packet of lollies or some chocolate as these small packets of whatever takes the edge of the food craving in that moment and are easy to store in the cupboard as well as have a couple in the car for when I’m out and about.

For all of you AuDHDers out there who are looking for some quick & easy foods to have on hand, remember these little snacks aren’t just for kids.

Absolutely choose wisely to fit in with your diet, this is just something that is helping me remember to eat during the day as I don’t have to think too hard about it, and reducing the binge eating.

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I’ve had this most of my life, and most recently as today.

I was reaching out, yet again, for some support with business, looking for someone who could help me do things to suit my brain through the various programs I get offered.

I mentioned some struggles and was told ‘maybe something you’re doing is wrong’.

This made me quite annoyed. I had done what I had been told. I got someone to write my sales copy and put it out there, and no one signed up.

I had followed the steps I was told to follow, and didn’t get the results promised.

And somehow, I’m wrong?

One of the things I find most frustrating in these situations is people tell me I’m wrong, but don’t tell me how to do things right or change things, or assistance to try something new to see if it works.

I keep reflecting on life and realise that so many times I am told I am wrong, even when I follow the steps that have been set out for me.

People wonder why I don’t have confidence in myself, and this is so much a part of it…

The sort of support and help I’m looking for is from those who can hold my hand and held me do things my way, do them right, and to help me show the world I’m all kinds of amazing. That sort of support has to be out there somewhere…

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When I was younger, I was constantly told that things had to be put away. That meant that nothing was on the kitchen bench.

This never worked for me for a variety of reasons, mostly to do with executive dysfunction.

These days, I have a different philosophy.

I put things where they will be used. If this means they are on the bench, then so be it.

I have a knife block on the kitchen bench instead of keeping sharp knives in the drawer.

I have a jar next to my stove that has the wooden spoons and similar utensils so they are ready to be used.

I have containers next to my kettle that have the most used tea bags in them.

This is a small example of what lives on my kitchen bench.

These things are there so they are ready to be used. It saves me time and energy looking for whatever it is that I need. I am also less likely to get distracted while cooking!

It also helps with my slow method of putting things away as I can, for example, put away just the knives, and I feel like I’ve done a thing.

These things all have their spaces on the bench and are placed neatly. The containers (mostly) look nice (I’m in the process of upgrading them so they look pretty), and have their purpose.

As well as the containers, there are hooks near the stove for the oven mits so they are also on hand ready to use.

Having the items I use most easy to reach saves a lot of searching, which helps my executive functioning, and generally makes my life easier.

I just need to remember to show support workers where things go!

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Back when I ran my last business, we were encouraged to set a BHAG – a Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

A goal that was huge and seemed crazy.

Even then, my brain struggled to compute this.

I wanted to empower mums to have businesses, and the more the better.

I did not want the big house or the fancy car.

I was told my goals weren’t big enough.

I was told this on multiple occasions. I was told that the goals ‘had’ to be fame and fortune, essentially, even if it wasn’t quite in those words.

Dreams for a small, neat house, in an area I want to live, and a quiet life wasn’t good enough. We had to want a mansion…

Now that I’m learning more about my brain, and looking at what I actually want, I still struggle with the feeling that I have to have a BHAG, that I must want to be rich and famous, and balance that with what I actually want to do.

Honestly, I want a quiet life. I want to write my stories and run my workshops and just do my thing.

The idea of a mansion freaks me out. How would I keep it clean??? Not to mention I’m only one person, I need space, but not quite that much.

I need a car that gets me from one place to another, I don’t need a fancy car.

Having a BHAG doesn’t motivate me to move on, it doesn’t make me want to strive for more, it completely freaks me out and lands me in freeze mode.

I am working hard to adjust the way I see life, and one of those is to forget those BHAGs and leave them to the people who find them motivating.

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I need rest.

This is a non negotiable.

I can’t ‘just push through’ otherwise I end up sick.

I have to put myself first, both my mental and physical health count on it.

Talking with a friend recently, she pointed out that, especially for neurodivergent people, we need to schedule recovery times around running events. So, instead of a speech, for example, taking up one day with travel and attending the event, we need two days, the day of the speech and the next day for recovery.

I am doing a business program right now and was worried about the hours I was reporting, then it hit me – my rest time, my recovery time, is all part of my work too, as if I don’t have that, I can’t do anything else.

I need my breaks. I need my slow start to the day. I need a long, quiet lunch break. I need naps. These are not ‘nice to have’ things, I am realising how important this is for me to be able to function.

Things that I need to do in order to build rest into my day/week include not charging by the hour, instead charging by the project or service so I can build in that rest time, as well as have more passive income opportunities so I can make money while I sleep. This includes book sales, as well as things like my RedBubble shop and some subscription ideas I have in the planning.

Rest is a non-negotiable in my life, and changing my mindset to see it as productive time is something that I am working on. After a lifetime of putting everyone else first (partner, kids, employers, etc), I need to prioritise my own health, then I can better be there for others, and it’s not simply having a bubble bath, it’s a whole lifestyle thing.

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