I have a chronic illness, and I’m starting a business.

This weekend, I went to a business bootcamp and it was fantastic, however I made the mistake on day 1 of being like everyone else and standing to network, sitting on the regular chairs, etc. By the end of the day I was nearly in tears as I was in so much pain.

So day 2 I put my health first. This meant sitting on the couch the organisers had set up for me all day and limiting the amount of time I was standing around.

Why am I sharing this here?

For the first time, I felt truly disabled and invisible. The first day showed my disability. The second day I felt invisible.

As I was sitting away from the tables, and wasn’t able to stand up with everyone else for networking, not many people spoke with me during the networking times. There was a real push about networking during the event, and the requirement to sit apart made this harder.

If ever you are at a networking event, please keep an eye out for those who may be invisible… Is there someone who is sitting apart for any reason, or struggling to join in, go up and talk with them.

A couple of people did make an effort to talk with me and it meant so much. For the most part, people just didn’t look past their table or those who were standing around.

Visibility matters and it means so much to those of us who feel invisible due to disability and chronic illness. It can also be a win win, you never know who you’ll meet just by seeing those people who are invisible at business events.

This is a message that is worth sharing to those who run business events, as well as those who attend them. Since this boot camp, I have been reluctant to attend events as I am not sure that they will be inclusive, and my health needs to come first.

At this event, when I was seated on the couch, I was not able to approach people, and even the organisers did nothing to ensure I was included.

Making sure that all participants are included is a simple way to ensure your event is a success for everyone who is in attendance, and often it’s those who are quiet are the ones who need someone to keep an eye out an approach them first.

I hope those who organise business events read this and work hard to make sure that no one feels invisible during their events (especially if they say ‘pair up with someone’, they make sure that everyone has someone to pair up with).

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It comes down to pattern recognition…

This all started yesterday when I met someone who is doing something similar to what I want to do… only with crafts instead of creative writing & reading. Since our initial conversation, my mind has been whirring on all the things I would do if I had a studio to run programs and activities.

I know that I could do a business plan with this.

I could list the different workshops and programs I could offer.

I could do a financial forecast as I’m good with spreadsheets and numbers.

But there’s a roadblock.

I can come up with the best plans in the world, I can dream as big as the next person, however I don’t currently have the money or supports I need to make them happen.

What does this have to do with pattern recognition?

This is the pattern I’ve seen most of my life.

I will have a goal or dream, then the practical realities rear their ugly heads.

After I finished high school, I wanted to go to Europe and study and go on a literary tour… but a lack of funds meant that was never something that would actually happen, at least in my mind. Looking back, if I had thought it was a reality and spoken with my parents, then there may have been a way…

When I started my first business in 2002, I started with next to no money, and time and again, plans had to be shelved due to a lack of money to make it happen. I had some supports, but not as many as I probably needed, and that took money.

Even now, I have so many picture books that are not commercial enough for publishers that I would love to publish, I simply don’t have the money.

This brings me back to my idea of having a studio to run workshops, have a shop where I can sell some of the amazing indie books that are out there, and more… I simply don’t have the funds to make it happen. This is the pattern.

So, I stop dreaming and having big goals in any meaningful way.

I will think the big thoughts, and write down the plans, and no longer expect that anything will come of them.

This goes back to my post the other day about vision boards…

Without money and practical support, I work supporting the goals and dreams of people around me, and publish the books that I can afford and continue to make do.

I hope that one day, my pattern recognition will be proven false, but until then, I’ll keep ticking along the way I’ve been going…

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When I was growing up, these would be created by cutting pictures out of magazines and greeting cards and whatever else the organsier could provide.

Now, they are often created in programs like Canva using stock images.

I know how to do them, I’ve done my fair share of them over the years. Often, they are a fun exercise, however they don’t do anything to motivate me towards any goals.

I have been reflecting on this recently, along with working out how my brain works, and a few reasons why it doesn’t work come to mind. Here are a few things that I’ve thought of.

1. Now or not now – my brain seems to work on a ‘now or not now’ basis with little concept of time. I have no idea how long five years will be. I have no idea how long five years ago was. I’m constantly surprised that I’m 47 years old and my kids are adults! Trying to do a vision for the future feels like writing fantasy.
2. What does the trainer want to see – because I often have no idea what 5 years in the future will look like, and because I’ve been told my dreams are wrong, I think ‘what does the trainer or facilitator want to see?’ and add that to my vision board. A big house – check. A fancy car – check. High income – check. Overseas holiday – check. Because I’m often not given space to work out what I actually want, my vision board really is a work of fiction!
3. My dreams are ‘wrong’ – For most of my adult life at least, I’ve been told that I need to strive to be bigger, better, earn more money, climb the ladder, or whatever you want to call it. I have been told that wanting to live in a small cottage somewhere and write my books & run the odd workshop isn’t thinking big enough and that I need to work on my ‘growth mindset’. In short, I’ve been told my dreams are wrong. This is one of the reasons that visions boards don’t work because I’ve been told that my actual dreams are too small.
4. Reality of life – another thing I’ve found is that the reality of my life to this point hits hard. All the struggles I’ve had because I’m autistic and ADHD come to play and I think ‘what’s the point of dreaming this way when the reality is that it won’t happen?’ This is not me being negative, it’s realistic. I’ve had dreams and done vision boards before and have never been able to make them happen. It has nothing to do with mindset and more to do with practical reality and supports.
5. Forgetting it exists – the idea of vision boards is that you put it up and look at it often to remind you of where you want to go and let it motivate you. Even when I’ve had them printed and on the wall, I tend to forget that it exists, so it doesn’t serve any practical purpose other than adding to the stuff in my house!

Vision boards may seem like a great exercise, and I know there are many people who find them highly motivating. However for me, they don’t work very well.

It would be interesting to see what happens if I ever get to the stage where I have proper supports to make things happen, at that point, they may actually work. But for now, they serve no practical purpose other than being an exercise to pass the time.

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When I arrived, I stood at the door for around 15 minutes. No one came up to speak to me and I didn’t know what was going on. I had a mini meltdown and spent time beating myself up about being overwhelmed, especially as I used to attend networking events all the time, and ran a business network myself! Until a lady came up to see if I was OK. She got me a glass of water and some tissues and chatted until I calmed down. She also walked in with me and helped me meet some people, making the whole thing less scary.

Overall, I am glad I was able to stay, it got me thinking of some tips for organisers of networking events to make their events more inclusive and easier for neurodivergent business owners. Note that these are based on my experiences and not all will apply to everyone.

1. Have someone on the door greeting people – This is something I made sure was at all the events I ran and the best ones I attended also had someone at the door. This was a person who had a job to tick of names, welcome people, hand out goodie bags or information if they were there, as well as letting people know what was happening and where to go.
2. Name tags – this may sound a bit old fashioned or too much like school, however name tags can be really helpful, especially in places that are loud and you may not immediately remember someone’s name or find the place is overwhelming so you forget. Having a simple name tag with the person’s name and business can also help get an idea of who to talk to for those of us who are told to look for a particular person or industry.
3. Drink options – if there is alcohol, have nice non-alcoholic options available and on display in the same way alcoholic are. Not everyone drinks wine for a variety of reasons and a business networking event is not usually a place to get drunk. It can be awkward asking where other drink options are, especially if staff are not obvious.
4. Labels for food – if you are serving food, include labels for what is on offer, including any allergens. Again, it can be awkward asking about allergens, especially if staff are not obvious.
5. Staff working the event – if there are staff working at the event, make it obvious. Whether it’s a simple thing like a name tag, a lanyard or a uniform. This can help attendees find someone if they have any questions about things like food and drink, what is happening on the night, or even directions to the bathroom.
6. Introduce people – keep an eye out for people on the fringes, those who are standing there and not talking to anyone. Go up to them and introduce yourself and bring them in to conversations. If the lady hadn’t stopped to ask how I was, I would have gone home! I’m not great at making the first move, especially in a room of people already talking who seem to know each other.
7. Agenda – having someone keep an eye on timing and letting people know when the formal part of the event is over (so they have permission to leave if needed) is helpful. The agenda doesn’t need to be public, having someone keeping an eye on time and what is happening, and making announcements, can help participants know what is going on.

This is by no means a complete list, however I hope that they may help others when planning networking events to help them be more inclusive. These are things that would have been really helpful for me at the event I went to on Friday night, and these are things that were at events I attended in the past.

Are there things you would add to this list?

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For example, I could set a goal to have a certain number of people attend a workshop, however them actually signing up is out of my control. I could have the best program in the world, but there are other factors that may prevent people signing up, and that may mean I don’t achieve that goal. Even though these factors are out of my control, I feel bad that the goal wasn’t achieved, and it unlocks a PDA response that I’m not good enough.

Today, I heard about NICE Goals.

NICE stands for:

N = near term (close enough that it feels real)

I = input based (things you are going to DO)

C = controllable (things you have control over)

E = energising (a goal that lights you up)

I kind of like these ones.

These are short term goals, a timeframe I can actually visualise. As it’s based on me with input and control, these are things I can actually do. Adding to it that it’s something that lights me up, rather than things like SMART goals that involve tasks that drain me of energy (like making lots of phone calls to get people to come to the workshop), it makes it more likely that I’ll do it.

I’ve been thinking about this all day.

For me, a NICE goal can include things like finishing the manuscript of a book, or a round of edits. It’s not about selling a certain number of books or getting reviews, both are things I have no control over.

Reading about NICE goals today has started to change my thinking about goal setting. I already know that I can’t do SMART goals, but I think I’ll give NICE goals a try for a while and see how that goes. It might actually help me get some of the many stories I have sitting unfinished completed!

Thanks to Sam Winch for introducing me to NICE goals.

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Back in 2002, I started a business. It was the first mums in business network in Australia. I started it because I couldn’t find support to start a business so I could be home with my then 6-month-old baby. I had no idea what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to work from home so I could earn money and be home with my kid.

In the 9 or so years I ran this business, I was also a consultant for a scrapbooking company, teaching people how to make scrapbooks, I did market stalls selling goods made by people in the network (I said it was part of business…), I also made jewellery and played around with selling it online. In essence, I couldn’t decide on just one thing to do!

I would think that I’m doing these things to help make more money to pay the bills… that everything was helping the family to stay afloat. Yes, I was in survival mode even then.

The fact that I couldn’t stick to just one thing should have been an indicator that I was ADHD…

I worked really hard to grow my business, to follow all the ‘advice’ out there and follow their lead. It didn’t work. I ended up burned out and by the time I was told I had to ‘get a job’ because I was a single mum, I was kind of glad to close the business and get a job.

Even when I got a job, that is when I got back to creative writing… but that’s another post.

This business reflection is another thing I look back on and ask why it took so long to realise I’m AuDHD.

Oh, and I still can’t settle on just one business idea!

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I have realised that my phone is a pretty good representation of my energy levels.

When I do things, my energy levels go down a lot faster than they used to, and I need more down time.

This could be as simple as having a nap during the day, or a longer lunch break. There are times when I need days to recover from activity.

If I have something on in the evening, I need to be able to have a slow start the next day. That means not starting before 10am (early appointments are an absolute no on those days).

This is also something I need to consider in any pricing structure for what I do. I can’t have back-to-back meetings with clients, they need to be spaced out, this means I have to take this into account with what I charge. For example, I can’t have three one-hour clients between 9am and 12 noon. If I do this, I will burn out. Instead, I could have two with a break in between.

I used to think there was something wrong with me not being able to work constantly like others seem to be able to do. I now know this is simply how my body operates.

Part of me accepting my ‘new normal’ and working with my brain is realising that I need plenty of recharge time. I need that time watching mindless shows on TV and doomscrolling, or taking a long shower, or simply not being ‘productive’. This is not a ‘nice to have’ it is an absolute need.

I am still learning how to embrace it, bring it into the everyday, and make it work for me instead of doing everything to work against it.

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I’ve had this most of my life, and most recently as today.

I was reaching out, yet again, for some support with business, looking for someone who could help me do things to suit my brain through the various programs I get offered.

I mentioned some struggles and was told ‘maybe something you’re doing is wrong’.

This made me quite annoyed. I had done what I had been told. I got someone to write my sales copy and put it out there, and no one signed up.

I had followed the steps I was told to follow, and didn’t get the results promised.

And somehow, I’m wrong?

One of the things I find most frustrating in these situations is people tell me I’m wrong, but don’t tell me how to do things right or change things, or assistance to try something new to see if it works.

I keep reflecting on life and realise that so many times I am told I am wrong, even when I follow the steps that have been set out for me.

People wonder why I don’t have confidence in myself, and this is so much a part of it…

The sort of support and help I’m looking for is from those who can hold my hand and held me do things my way, do them right, and to help me show the world I’m all kinds of amazing. That sort of support has to be out there somewhere…

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I used to believe all the stuff about changing my mindset to be towards success or money or whatever it was. I would work really hard, following all the steps, and then feeling like there was something wrong with me when it all came crashing down as it wasn’t working.

Lately I have realised that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my mindset.

The thing that’s wrong is the assumption from others that there is something wrong with it.

My brain is neurodivergent, it is wired differently. I see things the way I see them, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Years of experience have shaped the way I look at the world, and most of that was before I knew I was autistic and ADHD.

I see patterns in things around me.

When it comes to money, I have seen what happens when I make budget that don’t feel right to me just to tick someone elses boxes. I need a different approach that has nothing to do with mindset.

When it comes to success, my view doesn’t fit the boxes that others have. I have been told that my dreams aren’t big enough (see other posts I’ve done on this) and I have to change my mindset. I have a different view of success and what it means to me. It has nothing to do with mindset.

These days, whenever I see someone spruik a course or program about changing your mindset for success, I run a mile.

I’m not going to spend any more time changing my mindset, at least not in the way others tell me I should. Instead, I’m going to focus on learning more about my brain and working with it, instead of trying to change it.

There is nothing wrong with my mindset at all.

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Fluctuating energy levels isn’t something that many people talk about. I am pretty sure this is part of my AuDHD make up. My energy can be impacted by external factors, such as how much I need to mask and my social battery, and internal factors such as hormones. Things such as barometric changes can impact things too.

One thing I want to do is learn how to work with my energy levels. This could include things such as having space in the day to take a nap, as well as planning my work tasks to fit around my energy, such as not scheduling too much in a day, and not limiting myself to working in traditional hours, at the same time not overdoing things.

Working to my energy levels is going to be a challenge as I have some tasks that dictate working during regular office hours… part of what I want to be doing is less of those tasks and more of the ones that are more flexible.

This is also a huge mindset shift as I’ve been told to work during ‘business hours’… even from business coaches the message is the same… work to hours. The idea of working to energy levels seems to be something that they either haven’t heard about or it is a concept that they think isn’t worth thinking about.

I have decided that, where possible, I will work to my energy levels. If I have the energy to work on the weekend or evening, I’m going to run with it. If I need a nap on a weekday, then I’ll do it.

This is all part of learning to work with my brain instead of against it… wish me luck.

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