Last night, I had a dream that was so vivid that I remember it.
I was at an event. All of a sudden, a group of people I follow, and have followed, on social media arrived and sat on a stage behind a long table. Some of these people I used to know in real life, and had thought they were friends at one time. They were all talking & laughing, wearing brightly coloured dresses. I was also in a brightly coloured dress, but it wasn’t the same style as theirs.
I got excited and stood up to say hello. I offered to take the phone of one of them to take a group photo of all of them. I was handed a phone and went to take a photo. I was on the floor, below the stage… As I was taking the photo, they all sat down so they couldn’t be easily seen from my angle. It was as if they had forgotten I was there taking a photo of them all… on their phone!
The even continued and I was left on the edges. I was standing next to some people that I know well talking about how excited they were that these influencers were going to follow them back, but they didn’t follow me back. I spent my time at the event barely acknowledged by anyone let alone those well-known people, wearing a dress that didn’t quite fit in. As I left before dessert came out, no one even noticed I had drifted away, not even those who I thought were friends… no one noticed or came after me.
This dream hit hard and explains my feelings of fitting in and being accepted, even as an adult.
I have spent my life trying to fit in and be accepted, never getting it quite right.
I would go to events and try to be part of what was happening, only to find that no one would talk to me or include me in their discussions when I came to join them (as I had been told to do). It felt like no one would notice when I left, or if I didn’t come to the next event.
I hear a lot of talk about FOMO (fear of missing out) and JOMO (joy of missing out), but this feeling I have is so different to that.
When you simply don’t fit in and aren’t part of the group, no matter what you do and how hard you try, missing out isn’t a fear or a joy, it’s more what’s normal, what’s easier. You simply stop trying as your work to be part of things simply doesn’t pay off when it comes to relationships.
I have left events and orgnaisations quietly, just drifted away, and no one seems to have noticed. I remember leaving a church a number of years ago without anyone saying anything… then I received a message via Facebook over a year later from someone asking how I was because they hadn’t seen me for a while!
All this leaves me with a feeling that I’m not important to other people. Not interesting enough for them to notice me being there, so they don’t see that I’m not there. I’m simply not part of the group. I don’t fit in.
This is one of the messages I’ve been given my whole life – that I need to fit in. I need to be part of a group. I need to be accepted. I simply don’t fit in, I’m never part of a group, and not accepted enough for people to see me.
That dream I had last night has been on my mind since I woke up. It was such a powerful image of my experience as an adult. One that I was told would all be fixed when I grew up and ‘found my tribe’…
The thing is that I’m still not accepted, still not part of the crowd. I still don’t fit in.
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