There's a J In there… Somewhere!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of independence and the idea that we should be able to do everything ourselves. This is often used around housework, but I also see it a lot in the workplace.

I am autistic and ADHD, only diagnosed a few years ago. Growing up, I was told that being independent is what adults are… the way it was framed was that I should be able to do everything myself. This has made it difficult for me to ask for help.

The goal of being ‘independent’ is often used to shame adult children for living with their parents, for single parents feeling guilty for hiring a cleaner, and so much more.

It’s also a concept that seems so strange when you think about it…

I look at my parents, for example, they don’t have to do everything for themselves. They have each other, and when one of them can’t do something, the other one is there to step in.

Even in the workplace, bosses have assistants and staff, meaning they don’t have to do everything themselves. They are not ‘independent’ in their businesses, they have people who support them and do tasks for them.

I have been told that I need to have a goal of being ‘independent’ and getting to a stage where I won’t need supports such as a cleaner any more. In other words, I am told that I, as a single person, should be doing everything for myself.

This seems to be the goal of the NDIS too… their focus on ‘capacity building’ seems to have a goal for participants to be ‘independent’ and not need supports any more. My question is simple. Why does everyone have to be ‘independent’? What’s so wrong about needing or even wanting supports?

There is a strong narrative around ‘socialisation’ and having a partner, especially as I was growing up. So many people say that humans are social creatures, and that socialisation doesn’t seem to take into account the amount of support those social groups provide, meaning that we are not completely ‘independent’. When it comes to parenting, we often mourn the loss of our village and the support that can provide.

I know independence means different things to different people in different contexts, I still don’t understand why being independent has to be the ultimate goal. What is wrong with needing or wanting supports in order to live our best lives?