Can being a parent cause trauma?

There is a lot of information about trauma caused by being a child, especially an undiagnosed AuDHD child. However, not many people are talking about what it’s like being an undiagnosed AuDHD parent of undiagnosed AuDHD & ADHD children…

One thing I’ve been wondering lately is – can being a parent cause trauma to the parent?

Honestly, I don’t feel like I’ve got trauma from my upbringing. Yes, it was challenging, especially things like going to 8 different primary schools in two countries, not feeling like I fit in anywhere, that sort of thing. I’ve come to realise that my childhood was pretty good. It would have been nice to know I was AuDHD earlier, however I don’t think it would have changed things much if at all (I was born in the late 70s and was a kid in the 80s and 90s).

If anything, I feel like more trauma was caused from being a parent.

From being gaslighted by doctors for pains I felt when pregnant.

From having an unsupportive partner.

From having a baby who screamed for three months, only to be told it was ‘colic’ (spoiler: it wasn’t).

From having chronically ill kids and being gaslit by doctors and schools and others when trying to get support.

From seeing my children struggling the way I did and not knowing how to help them even though I fought for them for an education.

From juggling part time work with being a single parent and having little support when I needed it.

From having kids who used me up in every way possible.

From doing the best I could with what I had at the time and being told that it wasn’t enough.

From trying to manage everything and feeling like I’m letting everyone down – my kids, my family, my friends, my boss, society – because I wasn’t coping, I wasn’t thriving.

From completely losing my identity to try to be a ‘good mum’, yet still being told I’m falling short.

I feel like so much out there is trying to force me to blame my struggles (not quite sure that’s the right word) on trauma from childhood. From trying to blame my parents for causing trauma…

I know that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time.

When I look up the definition of trauma, it says “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. This is the dictionary definition. With this, my childhood certainly doesn’t fit the box… however my experience of being a parent fits this box much better…

Even doing a search on ‘can being a parent cause trauma’, the results are not helpful. They talk about childhood trauma, there isn’t much about issues caused by being a parent.