One thing I’ve been trying to work on is seeing that I am good enough. Not only that, I’m all kinds of amazing.
I’ve been reflecting on this lately, wondering where the messages that I’m somehow not good enough come from.
Recently, it hit me…
At school, my ‘worth’ was based on my grades. No matter how hard I worked on something, someone else would sit there with a red pen and mark them to show me if my work was good enough. If it wasn’t, then I was told to work harder. This was especially difficult in more creative subjects. In ones like maths, it was simple, there was a right and wrong answer, however for essays, for example, it was harder.
It was the same at university.
It didn’t matter that I love learning. It didn’t matter that I was trying my hardest. All that mattered was the mark on the assessment, on the reports that went home. If those numbers weren’t high enough, I wasn’t good enough.
At work, I was told by someone else if I was good enough at the job, whether it was in a review or how much I was paid, this was all set by someone else.
When submitting books to publishers, someone else decides if the stories are good enough. I know that whether or not a book is accepted is more than simply the quality of the story, however the RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) can kick in, telling me I’m not a good enough writer because they don’t want to publish my story, even though I know people love reading them.
In business programs, if I’m not getting the results that the coaches promise, then I get told that I’m not working hard enough, even though I’m pushing myself to burn out. If I decide to listen to my body and do things differently or decide it doesn’t work for me, I get told that I’m not good enough.
Don’t get me started on the messages and ‘advice’ around parenting!
These are just a few examples of how society has told me that I’m not good enough.
If I don’t fit into the box, I’m not good enough.
If I’m struggling, I’m not good enough.
If I don’t do what I’m expected, I’m not good enough.
These are messages that are hard to shake. It’s hard to see that my efforts are enough, because I’ve had decades of messages saying that they’re not.
I’m trying to shake them, to forge my own path, one that suits me. One that has everything around me telling me that I am good enough. It’s hard, really hard… I hope that one day soon, I can leave these messages that I’m not good enough behind and truly see myself for the amazing person that I am.
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