Today I am looking at some of my own autistic traits.
The other day, I listened to a video by Orion Kelly about Autistic Shutdown. So much of this video resonated with me as I don’t tend to have meltdowns, I shutdown and withdraw. More on that in future posts.
One thing he mentions is ‘Selective Mutism’. Up until recently, I would have said that no way that was me. Then he made a comment about not talking in social situations until you warm up and I thought ‘hey, that’s me!’
For those who know me, they know that I can talk, and often once I get started, it’s hard to stop. These are people who have known me for a very, very long time. They joke about those situations where I’m not talking…
However, if I’m in a new situation, I struggle to find the words to express anything. It’s as if my brain goes ‘nope, you’re not talking now’. I won’t initiate a conversation. Even when someone approaches me, I often don’t know what to say until I’m really comfortable with them.
I also don’t say anything when I’m overwhelmed, or am put on the spot. This has caused some interesting situations in my life, including times when I was being bullied or attacked and I had no idea how to respond. I went quiet and the bullies were able to get away with it. I would shut down. This happened at school, in the workplace, and more. The other person takes my signs of selective mutism to be compliance or that I’m ‘fine with it’.
I also try to avoid conflict which often means I won’t say anything in the moment, or even later. I’ll simply go mute and not say anything at all, and the other person takes that as me agreeing with them. I have had people say that I’m letting other people take advantage of me, but it comes down to being overwhelmed, delayed processing, and the only way I can cope is to go silent.
This leads to things like difficulty making phone calls, especially to places I’m not familiar with. I have no issue talking on the phone, it’s more that I struggle to initiate conversations… so I go silent and can’t make the call.
As I said at the start of this post, up until recently, I would say that selective mutism wasn’t me… but on reflection, it happens more than I had realised, I just thought I was shy!
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