You know how it is, you catch up with someone and are greeted with ‘How are you?’. This question is usually met with the expected answer ‘I’m fine’.
I have said this for so long, sometimes I even believe it. But the truth is that I’m not fine, not even a little bit. And I haven’t been for a very long time.
I am a high masking AuDHD woman. I have been juggling being a single parent, chronically ill children, working, managing a household, and more for a very long time. I am not okay, not even a little bit.
However, if you were to come across me, you would think that I am okay.
I dress well, brush my hair, do my teeth. My house is relatively clean (thanks to having a cleaner for an hour a fortnight). We have food, even if it’s basic due to rising cost of living. I can manage the rent and bills (with some help). I am articulate and can join in conversations. But I’m not okay.
You don’t have to scratch much past the surface to start seeing the cracks.
The tasks I haven’t completed.
The fact the bare minimum is happening.
The doom scrolling in the evenings as I simply don’t have any energy left.
I am not okay, but I am holding on.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, because I have no choice. If I don’t then everything falls apart.
Recently, I realised that I have been completely burned out for a lot longer than I thought. I had thought it was a few years, but if I’m really honest, it’s closer to ten years.
The main reason is that I have had so much on my plate, more than most people, and there has been no support. When I have reached out, I’ve been told that none is available for so many reasons. A big one is funding!
I don’t earn enough to pay for the supports that I need.
I need help to take things off my list. I don’t need a ‘body double’ for things like housework, I need someone to do it for me.
I don’t need more training. I’m a middle aged woman, a parent. I know what to do, I need things to be taken off my shoulders, off my list.
Recently, I have started reaching out more, letting people know that I’m not okay, especially professionals and support services. Even then, I get told that, in some cases, there is no support available. Some say that I’m too capable and don’t need support! For some, it comes down to funding.
It’s hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going when the messages you get is that you haven’t hit ‘rock bottom’ yet so there is no support available!
Why is it that someone has to get to crisis point before these supports are available? Why isn’t support there sooner so that someone doesn’t have to get to crisis point?
I have joked that I need to have a six month holiday, but I can’t afford it. The reality is that this is not a joke, I really do need a break, and not just a week at the beach. I need longer than that.
I am not okay. I know I will get there, and one day I will be okay. But for today, I’m not.
(If you’re reading this, I do have great support from my psychologist and GP, I need more practical support too)
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