As parents and carers, we’re often given the analogy of being in an emergency on an airplane and putting on our own oxygen mask before we put the mask on our child. This is told to us so that we practice ‘self care’, or looking after ourselves first as we can’t be effective carers or parents if we aren’t looking after ourselves.
I have heard this so many times, from so many different places as the single parent of two chronically ill kids…
One thing they all forget to mention, or simply forget about, is that the airplane provides the masks, and the oxygen! They don’t expect people to put on a mask they have brought with them themselves, or try to conjure from thin air.
I wish I had thought of it at the time, but I want to ask them where is my oxygen mask?
So often parents and carers are left to their own devices and expected to carry on with little to no support. When they do reach out for support, they’re often told to practice ‘self-care’, as if that will solve all their problems, when what they really need is practical support. They need someone to provide the oxygen mask so they can put it on, and then put a mask on their child.
The fact that support is not provided leads many parents and carers to be burned out and then people ask ‘why didn’t you reach out for support?’
The thing is, we do. We constantly ask, and there is often none or minimal available.
Next time you see a friend who is a parent or carer struggling, instead of telling them to practice self-care, offer them an oxygen mask instead.
Some ideas could include:
- Cooking a meal so they don’t have to cook, and do it regularly
- Pay for a cleaner or offer to do some housework
- Deliver some groceries or provide some vouchers for the supermarket
- Offer to care for the kids so your friend can have a break
- Money to pay for rent or utlities
- Fuel voucher so they can fill up the car
- A listening ear so your friend can get things off their chest and don’t offer advice, make sure they know they have been heard
- Assistance navigating any red tape they may be trying to negotiate so they can get the support they need
With anything, ask your friend if this will be useful. Instead of saying ‘let me know what I can do’, give your friend some ideas they can choose from so they don’t have to think of an idea.
This is a community wide issue of not providing oxygen masks to those who need them. Informal supports like family and friends are important to let people know they are not alone, but they also need formal supports and these are harder to come by. We can all start with the informal supports.
I say it again, where is my oxygen mask? I would love to put mine on so I can put one on my child.
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